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FYRE it up

13 Mar

There’s something so freeing about knowing you’re going to quit your job.  Especially when said job is stupid and you don’t have a lot of respect for the people you work with.  What’s even better is knowing your boss is also planning on quitting and people are going to freak the freak out.  LOL!

I’m not even sorry.

For the last 2 years there have been conversations about replacing an archaic system.  The system was built in 1832 before the introduction of computers.  Frankly, the Walkman (which is dead) is more advanced than the technology we use in house.  So these conversations started 2 years ago about doing a tech transformation and basically we’ve gotten nowhere.  Funding?  Don’t have it yet.  Head of IT?  Quit almost a year ago.  Project plan?  What project plan?  It’s a fun time.  Because of my role I was sucked into the conversations.  The meetings were AMAZING because we had the same conversation in every meeting for the last 6 months.  Having this group lead a tech transformation is kinda of like watching the group who tried to put the FYRE festival together.  Only those guys were kind of funny and there was so much white privilege and it happened on an island.  In this case they also have ZERO idea of what they’re doing and they think they’ll be able to pull it off in a year.  Wonder who will play the role of the guy who was ready to give some blowie’s to get all the water out of customs?

This afternoon my boss and I were pulled into a meeting with a few of the leaders.  The focus was on coming up with a “Talk the talk” plan.  That’s what they called it.  It’s essentially a stupid name for a communications plan.  At the beginning of the meeting my boss’s boss turns to me and says, “Catherinette, why don’t you remind the group where we left off in the last meeting.” Um, what?  This is not my meeting.  This is your meeting, why don’t you remind them?  I quickly pulled something out of my ass and made some amazing shit up.  Then we proceeded to have the same conversation we had a few weeks ago.  Amazing.  My boss was fuming and I just gave her a big smile and kept going.

My boss’s boss kept volunteering me to take the lead on some of the activities.  And you know what?  I was delighted to do it!  Let me volunteer for more, let me volunteer for all of it!  Know why?  Because in a few weeks when I give my notice they’ll be left wondering what happened.  I’m not going to do any of the silly work.

Know what’s even better??  When they try to give my boss all the work and she says to them, “you can suck a bag of dicks,” and also resigns.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we gave joint notice?

Dumb Dumb

26 Feb

Oh hey, everyone.  What’s up?  How are you?  How have you been?  What’s new?  How’s your hair?

All good here.  Still with MlB.  Still hate my job.  Still a fatty.

What’s new on my end is that the dude who once was my work boyfriend is a complete idiot and I think he’s missing some brain cells.  He’s dumb.  Like legit dumb.  He’s also on the cusp of getting fired.  And he’s creeping me out because he’s in love with me and it’s totally obvious – even people on my team have said something.  Most recently after a leadership team meeting when he commented several times on how much he likes my hair.

[insert side eye here]

Listen, I know I’m irresistible and stuff, but imma pass on you.  No want.  I don’t care for people who are dumb.  My tolerance drops a whole lot for their stupidity.  It used to be fun to flirt and chat with him, and then when I realized he was a bit of a Dumb Dumb I stopped flirting.  Now every single time he comes into my office I take the opportunity to talk about my boyfriend and his dreamy blue-green eyes and how much fun we’re having and did I mention I have a boyfriend? Also, I have a boyfriend.  Etc. boyfriend.

For the last few months he’s been getting some tough feedback on his inability to do his job.  The feedback is legit.  He seems to either not get it at all or lacking the ability to absorb what he’s hearing.  He always has an excuse for why something didn’t get done, and it’s always to blame someone else.  He says he can do the job, but then will ask the dumbest question on the planet.  There are a lot of confused faces when he does that.

Yesterday afternoon we had a leadership team meeting where we discussed sharing some feedback with the rest of our team.  We agreed that we’d act as a united front and hold off on telling the rest of the team the news until the team meeting.  He interpreted that as, “I must now go and tell my team.”  Only he did it in a way that made everyone defensive and they’re throwing up all kinds of drama and they’ve started talking to everyone else and now there’s all sorts of paranoia and swirl.

Did I miss something?  When did “don’t say anything” turn into “go and tell everyone?”  Me know understand.

Pretty sure that when he gets fired in the coming weeks he’ll say he never saw it coming.  Even though our boss has been crystal clear by using terms such as “this isn’t working” and “why do I have to keep asking you to do the same thing over and over again” or “why did you miss that deadline after I told you it was a priority” or “when you were off at happy hour I had to stay late do do your job.”

Dumb ass.

Asking for a friend

14 Jun

Let me throw a scenario out there and you tell me your thoughts.

So I have this friend who has a boyfriend she’s been seeing for a few months.  Let’s call him Mister the Bread.  Typically when she and Mister the Bread hang out, they have multi-day dates.  Every other weekend.  This weekend he’s supposed to visit her, however, as it turns out he has some chest infection.  He’s been sick for a few weeks.  The conversations the last week have basically been about how he’s sleepy and is going to go and take a nap or what he should watch on TV while he lays in bed.  She’s annoyed.  They decide to postpone the visit and see how he feels tomorrow.  He wakes up from his nap and calls her.  He happens to mention he now has his kids tomorrow night which means he’s not going to visit her at all.  He says his medicine has kicked in and he’s getting sleepy again.  Because he has taken medicine with codeine, which he doesn’t need, just before he called her.  She tells him to go and take a nap.

Her plans for the evening are now wide open.

And let’s say this friend has kept in touch with someone she boned.  We’ll call him #3.  Their “relationship” transitioned easily into friendship and all of the insanely spicy messages they used to send each other were immediately stopped when she started seeing Mister the Bread.  Anyway, he takes himself out to movie dates all the time.  Learning they’re both free this evening they decide they’re going to meet up at the movie theater to see an action film.  Platonic date – everyone pays for themselves, no touching.  There’s no romancing.  She’s not even going to wear mascara or dress like she’s on a date, she’ll frump it up a bit.  This seems like a totally awesome idea, right?

On a scale of 1 to bad idea, how do you rate this scenario?

Protected: Three’s a crowd

20 Mar

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A message from the universe

8 Mar

You must be kidding. Like lolz, right? This a joke?

Booty call date with Civil Servant tonight. Texted he’s on his way.

Guess who decided to show up FIVE FUCKING DAYS early? Yeah. That’s right. My fucking period.

GOD DAMN IT!! Ultimate cock block!

Ghost

3 Mar

I have so many questions for you today. Is it called ghosting when someone you’re “dating” disappears because you’re left haunted by all of their nonsense?  Is that why?  It’s the ghost of all of the conversations and trying to figure out all of the clues?

Here’s another question for you: why hasn’t #4 texted me??  The last exchange we had was on Wednesday night.  Crickets on Thursday and Friday.  That’s a pretty loud and clear message from him.  Got it.  Fine (not really).  Look, we all knew he was a douche, and this is typical behavior for a douche bag.

I guess I thought since we had established some time of rapport he’d give me the fucking courtesy of telling me if he didn’t want to pursue anything.  He was really direct before.  So what gives?  Had it been 1 date and he pulled out, totally get it.  We were a month into whatever – texts every damn day.  Then POOF! he disappeared.  Lesson learned: don’t do that to someone.  I’m glad that I had the decency to tell The Tutor that I was out.

But #4 and I  weren’t going to date.  We drew some lines in the sand – “no dating” we said.  “Friends with benefits,” we agreed.  I was very careful to listen to the words he said, I repeated them back to him.  I understood what he was looking (or not looking) for.  Thought we were on the same page. Tuesday night was fun.  He said as much that night and the next night.  Which is what he said he was looking for, fun.

So what the fuck happened?  Me not understand.

I don’t understand men.  They’re stupid.  And so are women.  We spend an inordinate amount of time over analyzing all kinds of stupid nonsense.  Frankly, there are better ways we could spend our time, like watching Netflix, hanging out with our friends and having pillow fights, braiding our hair, doing our nails, overthrowing the patriarchy, fighting to close the wage gap, really anything is better than wasting a second thinking about someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Guess what?  I’m a god damned chick and I don’t know how to turn my brain off.  I know #4 is way too much in his head.  He’s lost in his own emotional baggage which is why he’s disappeared off the face of the earth.  The second the lights go off in my room and it’s time to go to bed my brain goes into overdrive and it’s time to analyze every little thing that happened leading up to, during, and after Tuesday night’s shenanigans.  The muscles in my body are still sore (validating I’m totally out of shape).  If by some miracle I’ve shut off my brain, as soon as I move in bed and I feel the soreness, it makes me think thoughts all over again.  It’s so annoying!

There’s a tiny (or not so tiny) part of me that thinks, “you weren’t enough.”  I’m shutting that shit down pretty quickly.  Or trying to.  For the most part I’m doing pretty well with attempting to distract myself with other dates.  The hard part is that since I have so many questions it’s hard to let go of wanting the answers.

I just want to understand.

And I want him to message me so that we can bone.

My boss told me I should text him “how was your trip?” Then when he responds asking, “what trip?” I should say, “the one in your head.”  I’ve thought about texting him to get out of his own head, remind him it was just a hook up and he knows how to find me.  I’ve thought of a dozen scenarios and clever text messages I could send to hook him back in.  Not going to happen.  I will not text him.  I’ve deleted all of his text messages* and his number from my phone.  We’re unmatched from Tinder.  If he contacts me I’m going to tell him to go fuck himself.**

*Except maybe the texts that popped up on my computer because some of the racy ones were pretty good.
**Or hook up with him again.

I hate everything about you

1 Mar

I have a pretty high tolerance for stupidity and douche baggery, but there comes a time when if you hit the threshold I will dive across the table and cut you.  At least in my mind I will.

There’s a woman who I work with who I’m constantly cutting with my imaginary knife.  A very sharp imaginary knife.  Believe it or not, I have kind of an important job.  People listen to me at work.  I actually run an entire office.  I know, I know, it’s crazy to think that yours truly is capable of doing something other than fucking up at dating.  I even get to manage some pretty high profile projects.  Sometimes, there are idiots on those project teams.  This year I was “rewarded” with a frumpy ass woman who is inflexible and annoying.  She’s running the communications stream of the project and when she opens her mouth or sends me an email I feel my blood start to boil.

Monday there was a big announcement about the project to the entire division.  She fucked it up.  Twice.  Twice.  How do you fuck up an announcement twice on the same day?  I don’t know. You’ll have to ask her what her strategy was.  Other than being an imbecile it requires some pretty major stupidity to fuck up an announcement TWICE IN ONE FUCKING DAY!

The big project is kicking off later this month and it includes a huge kick off event for all of our division.  At that event there will be slides while the big mucky muck presenters are speaking.  Slides that she’s responsible for handling, because she is in COMMUNICATIONS.  We get the slides from the speakers and it’s her FUCKING JOB to put the damn deck thing together.  You’d figure someone in COMMUNICATIONS would know how to do that.  Let me paint the picture.  You are a lowly weasel at the bottom of the hierarchy – the most junior member of a big working team, a position that you’ve been given as a stretch opportunity.  You’re asking the Managing Director of a division, plus 2 of his direct reports – who are executives – to put together slides.  And you give them 48 hours.  Listen, I’m not sure where you’ve worked before, but let me go ahead and tell you that’s not how it works.  You don’t give the HEAD OF THE DIVISION 2 days for slides because you want everything in advance.  The way it works is you wait until he has someone on his staff put them together and then you scramble at the last minute to get it done.

This afternoon in the meeting she found out that she wouldn’t have the slides by tomorrow.  Which is hilarious because the Managing Director just found out today that we would need his slides.  She went off on how she didn’t know if our vendor would be able to put them together in time, and oh, by the way, she would not be able to work the weekend before the event.  In my mind, I dove across the table and I cut her.  Seriously?  Are you kidding me.

So, I got pissed.  And I do not often get pissed at work.  So I said to her, “What’s your back up plan?” with an angry tone, in front of the entire team.  She didn’t have one.  And, according to her, no one on the COMMUNICATIONS TEAM knows how to put a power point slide deck together.  Um, what?  Excuse me?  Are you kidding me?  No one on a COMMUNICATIONS TEAM knows how to put together a slide deck?  You have got to be kidding me.  So she went on about something else and I halted the meeting and said to everyone, “I have a really hard time accepting that between this entire team we’re not able to put together a slide deck.”

I hope she falls down the stairs, twists her ankle, and can never come back to work.

I hate all her frumpy clothes almost as much as I hate her face.