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“Hot” for “teacher”?

27 Jan

What up, kids?  Its your girl Foxy!  As many of you know, Cath had to leave our lovely little dinner on Sunday night due to the illness of her beloved pet.  It was very sad and I know we are all keeping her and her family in our thoughts during this difficult time.

But what you may not know, is that we had big plans for apres dinner!  We were registered for a little class called “Oral Sex 101” that was being presented at Smaltimore’s preeminent lesbian owned sex shop; Sugar in Hampden.  Oh yeah – that’s how we roll on the Lord’s day, people!

For those of you who have never been to Sugar – I strongly suggest you get yourself there pronto.  It is a really mellow, really fun sex shop staffed by some of the nicest, most non-judgemental folks you ever want to meet.  Not to mention the fact that they keep the key to their bathroom on a key chain that has a butt plug attached to it.  A brave and brilliant choice, no? And even if you think that being in a space surrounded by silicon penises of various sizes and colors is going to weird you out – I swear to God, the staff makes you so at ease – you don’t really even notice them after a while.

I arrived a little early so I could peruse their wares.  And let me tell you – they have some mighty boss wares!  What’s even more impressive – they have books there.  Real actual books with words and paragraphs and shit!  This is how you know you are in a classy sex shop!  I chatted with the staff as I made my way around the store – they were truly delightful.  And I am not being a snarky bitch when I say that – they were really very nice.

As my fellow classmates filed in, I noticed there was a variety of folks who had shown up for the class.  There were a few couples, there were some quasi-drunk 20 something chicks, there was one enormous lesbian (and by that – I don’t mean she was really butch – I just mean she was of large stature), there were a couple of guys on their own (I suspect they were gays who were cruising the class), and there was one older dude.  

Now – let me take a moment to describe that older dude.  He reminded me of a retired HVAC repair man.  Like, if you looked at him and squinted, you could see him in coveralls.  And when I say he was older – well, let’s just say that this guy was totally someone’s “pop-pop”.  You will want to tuck that image into the back of your mind for later.

The class kicked off with some super cool diagrams of male and female genitalia.  It was really informative.  I picked up some truly helpful information.  For example, did you know that a clitoris has legs?  I had no idea and I have been walking around with one for years and years now.  There was also lots of discussion about how in both men and women, there are many very sensitive nerve endings in the anus – or as I like to call it, “The No No Zone”.  Why is it that people who work in sex shops are always trying to get you to shove things into your own ass or your partner’s ass?  Why?  Are they trying to increase their average items per sale number?  And before all you butt plug/anal bead aficionados get yourselves into a tizy and try to convince every one that it is so pleasurable and you have to try it just once – save that sales pitch for some one else, because this bitch is not buying!

We talked about licking techniques, breathing techniques, safe oral sex, power play, and many other topics that are just too numerous to mention.  But here was the disturbing part – do you recall how I was telling you about the retired HVAC repair man who was some one’s “pop-pop”?  OK – well pretty much every time the instructor asked if any one had any questions, he chimed in with an example of one of his erotic adventures where he had given his “lady friend” an orgasm for the ages.  Seriously, it was like he was throwing Penthouse Forum material against the wall to see what would stick (and you know, since we are talking about Penthouse Forum – everything was fairly sticky).  And he would describe these adventures like he was walking some one through changing a timing belt in their car.  Gross!  Near the end of the class, I was seconds away from screaming, “Pop-pop, shut your filthy man whore mouth!  I can’t take anymore!”  But I didn’t, because I am a lady.

All in all – I think it was a terrific time.  I would love to go to another class there – and they have a lot of classes coming up in the next few weeks.  So, for those of you in Smaltimore, check out their web site and sign up for some classes!  Your partners will thank you for it.

Foxy’s Quest

13 Aug

As I sit here in my luxurious office atop the Singleton Tower Office Building, my heart is heavy and my mind unsettled. You see, for some time, I have had this feeling, this nagging feeling that something is missing in my life.

Sure – you look at me and say, ‘Foxy! What in God’s name are you talking about? You have it all!’ And in many ways – I do. I have the sassy attitude and impeccable bone structure that propelled me to the heights of international runway modeling. I have the business savvy that led to my successful private detective agency that exclusively employs insanely good looking water polo players (who incidentally never solve any crimes but are so hot it is a crime). I have the ginormous rack that causes bras to literally jump off their hangers and try to follow me home. In short – I should be content…nay happy in my life. Even my Russian “Assistant”, Vlad, with his brooding good looks, chiseled body, and almost non-existent grasp of English can’t cheer me up the way he used to.

So I have come to a decision. A decision that I have been contemplating for low these many months (ok – let’s be honest – more like many minutes). I am going leave the comfort and security I have come to know here at Singleton Enterprises to pursue what I believe will be my legacy to the world.

I leave tonight on an international expedition to find the famed Sapphire Blue Balls of Baltistan. Legend has it that the balls are attached to a very frustrated goat farmer and possess mythic healing powers.

The balls (the goat farmer they are attached to) reside deep in the Karakoram mountain range in India. The journey will be long, difficult, and fraught with danger (just like a night out with David Hasselhoff). But I feel it is my calling to find them, study them, and harness their powers for the good of mankind.

Vlad and I have booked a private plane, we fly to Peshawar tonight. Once there, we will meet up with our translator Singh. Singh assures us with his help, we will indeed find the famed Sapphire Blue Balls of Baltistan. That’s what his myspace page says anyway.

Farewell, gentle readers! I will be in touch as soon as we land in Peshawar. I will keep you updated on our progress in the coming weeks (or until I get bored).

God speed…to me…I guess. Right – to me, right? Because I am the one going on the expedition, not you guys.

Yeah – God speed to me.

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4 Jun

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4 Jun

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3 Jun

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