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Backdoor Lana

5 Apr

Salutations, my friends.  And a happy Friday to you!  Know what makes this an amazing Friday?  I quit my job yesterday.  Yes, it’s true, I’m blowing this popsicle stand. I’m out of this bitch, y’all.

More on my exit later.

Let’s talk about what a small world this is.  My boss is also planning on getting out of here, she too dislikes this place.  I had hoped we could give our notice at the same time so her boss could freak out and panic.  Alas, it won’t happen at the same time.  It could, however, happen a few weeks apart.

This afternoon my boss had a second interview at an organization which is far more up her alley.  Mainly because they’re nice to people and they’re smart.  Plus you can wear jeans to work.  Also, you don’t have to deal with people who think they’re amazing but can’t figure out how to send an email from Outlook.  She showed me her interview schedule yesterday, and wouldn’t you know it, there was a name on there which I recognized.  As luck would have it, I used to work with one of her interviewers, Backdoor Lana.

Back when I was a baby working at Investments r Us she was in one of my very first training classes.  Her class was amazing!  Had a great time with them – mainly being inappropriate and getting drunk with them, and I developed friendships with a number of them.  One of them, Harley Davidson, was a bit of a bad boy with green eyes.  He rode a motorcycle and went to Sturgis.  He smoked weed.  He had longish hair.  He was a rebel, and he was hot.  While he was in the training class, he had a girlfriend and was off limits.  Months later he and his girlfriend broke up.  We started flirting over email, and talked about how we’d hook up if we ever ended up in the same state – he worked out of the West Coast office.

Then BLAM! I got sent out to the West Coast for 2 weeks for work.  We were gonna bone.

At that time his roommate was Backdoor Lana and they’d hook up every once in awhile.  Typically she was the one who would make the first move, and he’d go along with it because he was a dude and he wanted to get laid.  As she and I were friends she would tell me about hooking up with him and she said she knew we’d been emailing and she highly recommended a romp with him.  Thumbs up, she’d make herself scarce.

Um.  Weird, but whatever.

Long story short, we boned.

Next day she wanted to hear details, I didn’t tell her.  She asked me if we did anal.  “UH, NO!” was my response (or something like that because uh, no).  Then she went off for about 20 minutes about how much she loved it and how great he was at it and how she couldn’t sit down the next day, but she couldn’t get enough.  I passed on the butt love from him.  Even the next time I flew out there and boned him again.  He was gifted, that was for sure, but I’m not into backdoor loving.  Not my bag.

Shortly after the last time I was out there she announced to him that she was in love with him and she wanted for them to date exclusively.  He had always been straight with her about just being fuck buddies with her.  As you can imagine, it put all kinds of strain on their relationship.  He ended up moving out.  He met a girl.  He’s now married and has a few kids.

And now she’s a senior executive at this firm and she could potentially be my boss’s new boss.

How about that for a small world?

Also, Monsieur le Baguette and I are moving in together.

FYRE it up

13 Mar

There’s something so freeing about knowing you’re going to quit your job.  Especially when said job is stupid and you don’t have a lot of respect for the people you work with.  What’s even better is knowing your boss is also planning on quitting and people are going to freak the freak out.  LOL!

I’m not even sorry.

For the last 2 years there have been conversations about replacing an archaic system.  The system was built in 1832 before the introduction of computers.  Frankly, the Walkman (which is dead) is more advanced than the technology we use in house.  So these conversations started 2 years ago about doing a tech transformation and basically we’ve gotten nowhere.  Funding?  Don’t have it yet.  Head of IT?  Quit almost a year ago.  Project plan?  What project plan?  It’s a fun time.  Because of my role I was sucked into the conversations.  The meetings were AMAZING because we had the same conversation in every meeting for the last 6 months.  Having this group lead a tech transformation is kinda of like watching the group who tried to put the FYRE festival together.  Only those guys were kind of funny and there was so much white privilege and it happened on an island.  In this case they also have ZERO idea of what they’re doing and they think they’ll be able to pull it off in a year.  Wonder who will play the role of the guy who was ready to give some blowie’s to get all the water out of customs?

This afternoon my boss and I were pulled into a meeting with a few of the leaders.  The focus was on coming up with a “Talk the talk” plan.  That’s what they called it.  It’s essentially a stupid name for a communications plan.  At the beginning of the meeting my boss’s boss turns to me and says, “Catherinette, why don’t you remind the group where we left off in the last meeting.” Um, what?  This is not my meeting.  This is your meeting, why don’t you remind them?  I quickly pulled something out of my ass and made some amazing shit up.  Then we proceeded to have the same conversation we had a few weeks ago.  Amazing.  My boss was fuming and I just gave her a big smile and kept going.

My boss’s boss kept volunteering me to take the lead on some of the activities.  And you know what?  I was delighted to do it!  Let me volunteer for more, let me volunteer for all of it!  Know why?  Because in a few weeks when I give my notice they’ll be left wondering what happened.  I’m not going to do any of the silly work.

Know what’s even better??  When they try to give my boss all the work and she says to them, “you can suck a bag of dicks,” and also resigns.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we gave joint notice?

Dumb Dumb

26 Feb

Oh hey, everyone.  What’s up?  How are you?  How have you been?  What’s new?  How’s your hair?

All good here.  Still with MlB.  Still hate my job.  Still a fatty.

What’s new on my end is that the dude who once was my work boyfriend is a complete idiot and I think he’s missing some brain cells.  He’s dumb.  Like legit dumb.  He’s also on the cusp of getting fired.  And he’s creeping me out because he’s in love with me and it’s totally obvious – even people on my team have said something.  Most recently after a leadership team meeting when he commented several times on how much he likes my hair.

[insert side eye here]

Listen, I know I’m irresistible and stuff, but imma pass on you.  No want.  I don’t care for people who are dumb.  My tolerance drops a whole lot for their stupidity.  It used to be fun to flirt and chat with him, and then when I realized he was a bit of a Dumb Dumb I stopped flirting.  Now every single time he comes into my office I take the opportunity to talk about my boyfriend and his dreamy blue-green eyes and how much fun we’re having and did I mention I have a boyfriend? Also, I have a boyfriend.  Etc. boyfriend.

For the last few months he’s been getting some tough feedback on his inability to do his job.  The feedback is legit.  He seems to either not get it at all or lacking the ability to absorb what he’s hearing.  He always has an excuse for why something didn’t get done, and it’s always to blame someone else.  He says he can do the job, but then will ask the dumbest question on the planet.  There are a lot of confused faces when he does that.

Yesterday afternoon we had a leadership team meeting where we discussed sharing some feedback with the rest of our team.  We agreed that we’d act as a united front and hold off on telling the rest of the team the news until the team meeting.  He interpreted that as, “I must now go and tell my team.”  Only he did it in a way that made everyone defensive and they’re throwing up all kinds of drama and they’ve started talking to everyone else and now there’s all sorts of paranoia and swirl.

Did I miss something?  When did “don’t say anything” turn into “go and tell everyone?”  Me know understand.

Pretty sure that when he gets fired in the coming weeks he’ll say he never saw it coming.  Even though our boss has been crystal clear by using terms such as “this isn’t working” and “why do I have to keep asking you to do the same thing over and over again” or “why did you miss that deadline after I told you it was a priority” or “when you were off at happy hour I had to stay late do do your job.”

Dumb ass.

An ordinary extraordinary day

6 Nov

Election day.  People are heading out to vote in hopes their voices will be heard.  They’ll wear their little “I voted” stickers with pride.  We’ll all be hopeful tonight that our candidates will win.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed we go more blue than red – I did my part in early voting.

In some respects it’s an ordinary Tuesday.

Rainy morning with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper singing about not knowing what love is.  I’m sitting in the dining room at Monsieur le Baguette’s house.  My coffee cup is half empty (or is it half full?), and my work emails have been read.  There’s an open book beside me and kids’ toys are strewn in the corner near the bookcase.

This morning he woke up early, went out to vote, and made us both coffee.  Then he crawled back in bed next to me.  What is it about having someone wrapped around you that’s so comforting?  An hour of just laying there, sipping coffee, and pretending neither of us had anything to do.

It was divine.

He finally got up, showered and went to work.  I walked down the steps to take my place at the dining room table to do work.  The joys of working remotely include not having to get up extra early and shower before going into the office.  You have the luxury of taking calls in jammies.  At some point, though, you gotta wash off yesterday’s funk. You can imagine my delight when I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a toasty warm towel – he’d turned on the towel warmer for me.  Yes, he has a towel warmer.  Yes, he knows how to use it.  Yes, he’s still thoughtful.

My job is absolute shit.  Most days between the hours of 7:00 AM – 6:00 PM I can feel the prickly hint of anxiety right under my skin.  On the verge of tears when I walk into the building in the morning.  Wanting to walk out of the office and never return.  After an incredibly shitty day last week, MlB asked me, “Why are you torturing yourself?  You know you’re going to leave.  Why wait?”  He’s so right.  So the search begins and while it seems I’m on the cusp of a panic attack most days, knowing the end is near and the countdown can start makes it much easier.

In the meantime, I have these moments with him which make the days far better than they could be.  A random weekday sleepover. A FaceTime breakfast on a Saturday morning while one of his daughters introduces me to every single stuffed animal in his house.  A goodnight text with the emoji kissy face.

Today I’ll remain stationed at the dining room table until he comes home to me.  We’ll head off into the city for date night.  We’ll fall asleep next to each other.

In some respects it’s an extraordinary Tuesday.

I’ll take two

29 Oct

Lord have mercy!  How is one to resist a set of dimples and a pair of dreamy blue eyes?  Instead one finds ways of luring those dimples and dreamy blue eyes into her office.  While there, she makes lots of terrible jokes, just so she can see the dimples on full display.

Kids, my work husband, The Cyclist, is a full fledged dreamboat.  He typically wears suits in the office – and he fills them out pretty well.  A few weeks ago I saw him in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt.  Far out.  He’s packing some serious guns.  We were at an all day event and I found myself drifting towards him several times that day.  I had to pay attention to not sitting too close to him and “accidentally” smacking his arms.  You’ll be pleased to know I controlled myself.

Monsieur le Baguette knows all about him.  The day I met The Cyclist I told MlB he was like MlB only with a suit and tie.  Totally true.  People who have met both of them have said how much they seem alike.  Not in looks, mind you, but in their personalities.  MlB and I are both, shall we say, doughy.  The Cyclist is full muscle, at least that’s what it looks like to me.  He’s meant for climbing on (like a fucking jungle gym), where MlB is meant to snuggle with.  A few weeks ago MlB came into the office and I introduced him to everyone on the team.  When he met The Cyclist he turned to me and said, “is this work me?”  It was somewhat strange to see them in the same room and watch them shake each other’s hands.  Almost Twilight Zoneish.

In some ways it’s convenient to have two of them.  Since MlB and I live in different cities and only see each other a few times a month I get to have him some of the time, and then I get to gawk at The Cyclist during the rest of the time.  Seems totally reasonable and acceptable to me.

Good call or bad call?  I invited The Cyclist to go to a full day off site training program with me.

Checking In

5 Oct

Amazing what a little therapy and some conversations about feelings can do for a relationship. My therapist has been helping me to chill the fuck out.  And Monsiuer le Baguette?  He’s been good.  Once I told him I was starting to feel the distance he upped his game and re-engaged.  Phone calls and texts everyday, telling me how much he missed me, saying he was sorry that he’d been less than attentive. It’s been 2 months since we had that conversation and he’s been fully present – or as much as he can be since after he came home and we saw each other we then went another month without seeing each other.

After his long ass trip away, we reunited during a tropical vacation.  We met in the airport in the Bahamas.  Romance, my friends, poor romance – it was our “Love Actually” moment.  Rushing into each others arms all hugs and kisses while we made everyone want to vomit with our “I missed you’s” and “I’m so happy to see you.”  And just like that all the distance melted and we were golden. Back to the moments I love when he mindlessly reaches for my hand when we’re walking, or when he places his hand on my leg when we’re sitting next to each other.  When he throws his arm over me in the middle of the night, then reaches the other under my pillow and holds my hand.  Eased right back into all of it.

The Saturday we were together was stupid romantic, silly romantic.  We slept in, we went to the beach, he held my hand while we went snorkeling – it was just the 2 of us by the reefs completely surrounded by fish.  He went back to the room for a bit and I stayed at the beach.  When he got back he told me he’d gone ahead and made plans for us for the rest of the weekend, including a champagne party that night and and anniversary dinner for our last night together.  We curled up on the lounge chair on our balcony and watched the sunset together, he was the big spoon.  The champagne party that night was on the beach.  As you can imagine, there was a lot of champagne and then there was a make out session on the beach.  There were L bombs exchanged.  Pure romance.

We saw each other again the following weekend, and then I flew across the world to hang out with Whiskey Tango Foxtrot for her 40th birthday.  She and I had a fucking blast – packed every single minute with stuff to do.  Can’t decide if the most fun part was her birthday party and stealing all of her friends, or the time when we met up with friends for dinner.  A glass of wine and dinner turned into a bottle and a half of wine and then whiskey.  Why, God, why did the whiskey have to come out.  Fun fact, which Whiskey Tango Foxtrot doesn’t know about (until she reads this), sometimes to ensure I can stop drinking I pour extra booze for those around me, I may have done that…Let’s just say the night included having to ask the uber driver to pull over so she could pull over and throw up on her shoes.  Good times, good times.

Anyway, back to Monsieur le Baguette…

7 months in and we’re in a great spot.  I’m currently sitting at his dining room table while he takes a conference call in his office.  We have the whole weekend together after not having seen each other for a month.

He went out this morning to buy provisions to make me breakfast.  When I took my seat at the makeshift office I’ve made for myself, I saw he’d put a fresh box of tissues next to my computer.  I’ve been battling a cold the last few days and he’s made sure I have everything I need to make myself comfortable.  He made my coffee this morning.

Tomorrow we’re hitting a major relationship milestone: we’re going to IKEA together and then we’re going to attempt to build some furniture.  We’re both stupid excited to do it.

So for those of you who’ve reached out to ask how things are going, they’re good.  I’m happy.

 

Unraveling

2 Aug

Week two of Monsieur le Baguette’s epic trip with his daughters is midway through.  He comes home at the end of the month.  We head to the Caribbean the day after he returns.  We’re flying separately.  It seems like it should be something so exciting to celebrate!  A romantic rendezvous after 6 weeks of being apart.  Breakfast in our king sized bed with an ocean view.  Strolling hand in hand along the beach at sunset.

I don’t foresee any of those things happening.

Something is wrong.  Interestingly enough, it was almost one day to the next.  One day he was telling me he wished I was with him and how it would be the best vacation ever.  Next thing I know he barely responds to texts and has suddenly lost interest.

Yes, I know he’s with his kids.  He was with them when we started dating and he was staying up until all hours on the phone with me.  Yes, I know he’s away.  When I was away he text messaged me all the time.  Yes, I know sometimes he’s with his family.  When he had friends in town he would find a way to message me.  To at least say he missed me or was thinking of me.  Now I get short responses to my questions.  There is no dialogue.  There is me pulling information from him, waiting forever for a response, and then a quick response.

Had a bit of a meltdown yesterday and #4 had to talk me down off the ledge.  I vomited all sorts of nothing into text asking him to help me.  I welcomed him to my low self confidence.

He told me what it was like to be a single father and it was hard to communicate sometimes.  “Focus on what he says and does, NOT on what he doesn’t say and do,” he wrote.  Okay, fine.  What he says and does is different than what he said and did before.  Even from what he said and did last week.  There’s less reach out.  He asks less questions now.  He flirts less.  He tells his daughter no when she wants to speak with me on the phone.  He is disengaging-I can feel it.

“Hey-feelings are ok.  It’s easy being single.  But a meaningful life is all about struggle right?” #4 told me at the end of our conversation.

Is it?  Perhaps I just want the easy part.

Perhaps we had nothing to build this on.  Perhaps it was that we’d had some things in common and now that he’s away there’s a realization there’s not much binding us together.  Perhaps it was the right place and the right time and it was only meant to last for a little while.  Perhaps it’s that Mercury’s in retrograde.  Perhaps it’s that I’m PMSing.  Perhaps I cried to my boss about it this morning.  Perhaps I’m not meant to be in a relationship.  Perhaps I’m blowing things out of proportion.  Perhaps I’m right to recognize something is wrong.  Perhaps I was right about being his rebound.

I’m not carrying the conversation anymore.  I told him awhile back he can’t coast and he has to work for it.  I don’t have time to chase after him – I’ve too much stuff on Netflix to watch.  Too many vacations to plan.  Too many instragram posts to scroll through.

On Monday I’ll be seeing my therapist.  The one I haven’t seen in nearly 8 years.  I can’t dig out of this by myself.  I need some extra help while this unravels around me.