Search results for 'jewcy bits'

See Catherinette and Jewcy Bits Like You’ve Always Wanted To!

2 Nov

There’s nothing like going out on Halloween and enjoying the many sites that Baltimore has to offer. 

Some people went ALL out on the costumes this year.  For example, there was the slutty sailor, slutty Harry Potter chick, slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty student, slutty slut, slutty Octomom, and even the slutty green crayon.  Ladies, ladies, ladies, what ever happened to self respect? 

A slutty green crayon?  Really?  Yes, it’s true.  And she was HAMMERED and saying all sorts of indecent things in the elevator.  She even used the n word and then her friend started singing about how she was an n lover.  I’ve seen a lot of drunk people in my life, but the slutty green crayon and her friends were easily the dumbest drunk people I have ever seen.  Ever.

Then you have the chicks that think they look hot in their slutty costumes and they actually make your eyes bleed.  Take “France” for example.

Check out all my fat rolls!

Clearly this girl’s “friends” hate her or else they would have encouraged her to wear something more flattering.  It’s clear this girl needs some help from Operation Muffin Top(ple).

Oh!  Wait!  It gets better.  On the way to the concer that we went to on Halloween night, Jewcy Bits and I saw some dude taking a dump in the parking garage.  So klassy!!  YEAH!  There were some drunk assholes at the concert, and I was pretty sure that Lola and Jewcy Bits were going to start throwing elbows and splitting some bitch lips.  Thankfully, we were able to leave the concert without causing any damage – aside from what we did to our livers.

Now, what you’ve all been waiting for: a picture of me and Jewcy Bits together!  Your dreams are about to come true…

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A Gift to You from Jewcy

6 Apr

It’s almost 9:30, I just ate my weight in steak, and I should be making my bed.  I wandered in here to quickly respond to a comment and have been sitting here for the last twenty minutes.  Meanwhile, there are no sheets on the bed, laundry needs to get done, and I don’t see the dishes in the kitchen sink doing themselves.  This is exactly why I need a husband.  So I can sit here on my candy ass while he does some chores.  I swear I’ll give him BJ in return, I won’t even bitch about it – at least not too loudly.  If only he would just do the damn dishes.

But I digress…

While I was avoiding the chores that need to get done, I stopped by Jewcy Bits’ site to check out the latest in her world.  Her most recent post is all about her experience with an accidental Brazilian.  How was it an accident?  You’ll have to read the story to find out.

It’s worth the read, trust me on this…

Squeeze Me, I’m Jewcy

13 Mar

A few months ago, without warning, one of our dear blogging friends (and part time hooker) stopped blogging and password protected her blog.  There were outcries of dismay and angry demands that she immediately start writing again, or at least grant a password.

Well, bitches, she’s back and has a brand new blog.  Go check her out at My Jewcy Bits

BT Dubs, whore, are we going out tomorrow night or not?

What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas

28 Sep

…unless what happens is that you sleep with someone who has Herpes and then you end up getting it and bringing it home to your loved ones.  That shit isn’t staying in Vegas.  That’s why you shouldn’t sleep with hookers, or with Jewcy Bits.  You don’t want those sores on your junk.  They’ll be painful, trust me.

Blah blah.

We’ve all heard the crazy sick stories of the stuff people have run into in Vegas.  Well guess what?  You’re going to hear more stories because yours truly is FINALLY going to Vegas.  I know you’re wondering how it’s possible that someone as awesome as myself hasn’t been to Sin City.  Frankly, Lord knows why I haven’t made it there.  That’s all about to change because I’m taking my show on the road and will finally be able to say I’ve walked the strip and seen the fountains and gambled and drank and blah blah snore.  Finally!

Jewcy Bits will be very busy running a marathon while I cheer her on and hit on strangers.  It’s going to be fucking awesome!  I know you’re expecting us to come back with stories of people with whom we’ve hooked up with.  More than likely you’ll be hearing stories of how we made out with our dinner plates and how we store minis out of the hotel fridge.  Yeah, I know, we live awesome lives. It’s true.  Maybe, just maybe, we’ll run into Celine Dion and tell her she needs to eat a sandwich.

Good fucking times, people. Good fucking times.

It’s Snot Funny

31 Jan

Bitches, I hate being sick.  I freaking HATE!!  Every time I get the teeniest tiniest taste of a cold or the flu I turn into an eight year old brat.  All I want is for someone to dote all over me and listen to me whine about how I’m going to die and take notes as I begin to bequeath all of my worldly possessions.  Boom Boom can have my Burberry handbag.  My sister can have all my bedding and furniture.  Jersey Belle can have all my music.  Fashionista can have all my cookbooks and Le Crueset stuff.  Jewcy Bits can have all of my gluten free goods.  Lucy(fer) and Damien can have my 401(k).  My mom can have my photo albums.

Is anyone writing this down??

No, of course not.  Because everyone is busy leading their own lives while I sit here on the couch dying from Ebola, or the Hantavirus, or Anthrax, or the Black Plague or God knows what else.  In the past two hours I have gone through half a box of tissues.  It’s that kind of day.  My poor nose hurts so badly from blowing it that I’m afraid of what it will look like in two days.  And where on God’s green earth does all of this damn snot come from?  WHERE?  It’s not possible to produce so much freaking mucous.  It’s just not right.  I’m rotting from the inside.  It’s the only explanation.

I’m dying.

Goodbye cruel world!


Fuck, I have to blow my nose AGAIN!

Horse’s Ass

21 Nov

Last night I was in Baltimore hanging out with some peeps for additional birthday celebrations.  As a reminder, you still have plenty of time to send me a gift certificate or cash money as my birthday isn’t until Tuesday.  But I digress.  So I was in Baltimore getting my drink on with my friends.  It was supposed to be a special night, and it kind of was.  But not special like I got to touch someone’s wiener while I was sober special.  It was more like that guy was lucky he left when he did or Jewcy Bits would have punched him in the face special.

That’s right, kids, there was almost a fight.  Starring Jewcy Bits and the Master Overlord of Douche Bags.

My girlfriend invited the asshole she’d been seeing on and off for the last 6 months.  We already didn’t like him since he basically dumped her on her birthday and then got back together with her a few days later.  His idea of making up with her and apologizing involved a drunk phone call at 3:30 am on a Monday where he drunkenly told her he had acted like a jack ass and wanted to come over to “talk” to her.  Kids, this is a perfect example of what I like to call a “booty call.”

Like a typical chick, we’ve all been there, she took him back.  And she believed he had changed.  I can’t blame her, I too am a chick and have fallen for such behavior myself.  So he came out for my birthday where he proceeded to be a total ass the whole time.  Examples of his shitty behavior include:

  • Berating her in front of her friends
  • Ogling other chicks in front of her
  • Calling us all lame
  • Kicking my friends to get their attention
  • Spilling drinks all over the place
  • Rubbing another girl’s bare legs (repeatedly)
  • Slapping Jewcy Bits’ boyfriends gut

It was that last one that just about sent Jewcy Bits over the edge.  And with good reason.  I have to say, I would have paid good money to watch Jewcy punch him in his mouth.  He totally deserved it.  He really did.  I think I might dream of seeing his drunk ass laid out on the floor and watching Jewcy kick his fat gut all over the floor.


I Don’t Wear My Sunglasses At Night But I’m Still Lame

15 Mar

At 36 I have lost my desire to spend Friday nights in a crowded bar filled with drunkards who step on my feet, spill their drinks on me, and slur their words.  I spent plenty of my younger years dealing with such shenanigans, and even being one of those lame ass drunkards.  In my old age, it’s just gotten lame and I find the allure of my couch far too appealing to pass up sometimes.  Dragging myself to a bar on a Friday night is difficult.  I work all week, and I get tired.  Lame?  Probably, but I have something even lamer to share with you.

This is about as lame as lame gets…

This past Friday night I made plans to go out with my friends.  I even managed to coerce Jewcy Bits into attending.  She, in turn, coerced her boyfriend and his brother, Corey Hart, to come along.  Why do we call him Corey Hart?  Easy: because he fucking wore his sunglasses in the bar.  At night-time.  And it was dark.  It was pretty hilarious when Jewcy Bits would introduce him to people and she’d say, “Have you met Corey Hart?”  Comedy.  At one point, I think she even called him the white Stevie Wonder.  Even more hilarious.

Yes, he was lame.  But I have something lamer…

I was the first one on the scene arriving 30 minutes before anyone else.  The thought of walking into the bar on my own gives me anxiety.  Instead, I sat in my car in the parking lot waiting for everyone else.  While there, I listened to an audio book.  That’s right people.  I hid in my car in the parking lot.

I am even lamer than Corey Hart.

What a Waste of Money

22 Jan

$3653.  That’s how much money I spent on food in 2009.  That doesn’t include all of my groceries.  Factor that money in and you’re talking close to $5000.  I’m not fat enough to have consumed 4 mortgage payments worth of food.  RIDICULOUS!

In mid 2008 I signed up for an awesome website that tracks spending.  Figured it would be a good way to help me stop throwing my money away on stupid shit.  At the beginning of this year I decided to take a look at how I spent my money.  Yeah, not pleased at all.  When I saw that I had eaten food that equated to half a boob job, I decided to reign in my spending.  So far, so good.  Last year, on average, I spent about $100 a month on food for lunch at work.  This year?  I’ve spent $20.

So what do I go and do?  I make 3 reservations for Baltimore Restaurant Week.  I’m going out tonight, tomorrow night, and Tuesday night.  That’ll be almost $50 per night.  God damn it food, why do you tempt me like this?

But it’s not like I could say no.  Not when my dinner dates include Jewcy Bits, Boom Boom, and a bunch of other whores I hang around with.  I just can’t say no to them.  That would be rude, right??

Obviously I’ll have to turn some extra tricks to make up for these stupid meals.