Archive | 1:59 pm

Left Behind

25 Jul

What he says: I’m leaving on vacation.

What I hear: I’m leaving you.

Ah, the joys of abandonment issues.  I highly recommend never developing them – because they’re lame.  As long as I can remember any time one of my boyfriends left for an extended period of time it meant they were leaving forever.  I’d like to thank my dad walking out on my family when I was little for the irrational belief.

There’s the niggling little voice who has taken residence in the back of my head.  Chanting encouraging things like, “Destined to fail.   You won’t make it through.  He’s left you behind.”  A voice I know well.  A voice I give too much credit too and don’t know how to silence.  The one who, when any gap in communication happens pops up with, “he’s lost interest in you.”  Logically, I know feelings don’t change that quickly – emotionally, I buy into every single thing the voice tells me.  I look for my escape route and plan my exit so I can do it before he does.  The end is easier if I make myself believe it was my choice to end things, that I had some control over it.

MLB is off in Europe for the next month with his kids.  Fantasy adventure dream vacation.  The absolute best for them.

Meanwhile, I’m here biting my fingernails and talking myself off the ledge for being ridiculous.  In the lead up to his leaving last week I had to keep reminding myself we weren’t saying goodbye forever, it was just goodbye for now.  I wanted our last night together to be special and magical.  He told me I was making the goodbye into a bigger deal than it had to be, we would see each other in a few weeks, it was just vacation.

The morning we said our goodbyes I struggled to keep it together, believing everything would unravel and it was the end.  He kissed me and handed me a card and told me to read it later.  Nail in coffin.  Obviously this was the dear John letter where he had written things would be different when he was back, life would change, our relationship couldn’t continue as it could.  It was over.  Because this is how my mind works.  The end is near!!  The end is always near.

I ripped open the card and wept like a tiny baby.  Phrases like “head over heels for you” and “I can’t wait for the coming months” and “I’m going to miss you.”  Swoon, right?  Everything I wanted to read.  Comforting words about how the next month was just that, a month in which we’d be apart and then we’d be back together again.  That’s good, right?  The day he left we talked a few times, we exchanged our text messages with L-bombs.  We made plans for when he’d get back.

We talked this afternoon for the first time since he left (2 days ago). And the voice says to me, “Notice how distant he seems.  You have nothing to talk about.  He’s getting bored with you.  How can you possibly keep him interested for the next month?”

How does one silence the voice?  Shut it up and make it go away?  What’s the trick?