Archive | 1:00 pm

Blooming or wilting

25 May

“Are you getting bored yet,” my mom asked a few weeks ago when I was telling her about Monsieur le Baguette.  “What are you talking about?” I asked.  “You always get bored with them.”

Do I?  Do I do that?

Maybe I do.

Am I bored now?  I don’t know.  Maybe?  Maybe I think I am but I’m not and I’m just insecure because he loves 90 minutes away and we see each other every other week and we talk on the phone every night and text all the time but the last few days seem a little off to me for some reason but I don’t know if it’s me or him or if I’m making up a story in my head and I’m thinking I’m not into it when I don’t hear from him but then we’re fine when I do and then I get irritated when he tells me he’s going to bed and his friend ends up showing up and he drinks with him for hours on end and ends up hungover the next day.

He sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday.

And when I don’t hear from him I question whether/not he likes me.  Um, did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday?

When we’re on the phone sometimes we struggle (in my mind) to find things to talk about.  We share stories from the past, and what we’re doing now and will talk about he future but then I think maybe he’s not smart enough and we don’t have anything in common and I’m looking for a reason for this not to work so I can find an excuse to get out and not have to put in any effort and preserve any heartbreak that might come my way.

Yesterday I told him I might start looking for a new job, he asked if I would be moving to live in his city.

No, no I will not.  Because we’re 2 months in, his kids don’t know enough about me, and I’m not uprooting my life so it’s easier between us.  Too soon.  WAY too soon.  In August he’s taking his kids on a trip and will be gone for 6 weeks.  That’s a long ass time.  We struggle to make it through the 10 days we don’t see each other – what will 6 weeks do.

I have a feeling that’s about the time I might start to get bored.  But I won’t really be bored I’ll just be insecure because I won’t know if he really likes me or not.  Because does he?

Did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday and he asked if I was moving closer to him?