Two months

1 May

Tomorrow marks 2 months since the Gods of online dating saw fit to match us and he sent the first message.  It seems like far longer than that already.  We have known each other for what feels like a lifetime, and yet we don’t know each other at all.

Falling into the rhythm of a new relationship has been easy.  We see each other every other weekend for a multi-night date.  Every night there’s a text message with a kissy winky face wishing me sweet dreams, and every morning there’s a bright cheery message waiting for me.  I’ve met some of his family, he’s met my sister, he’ll meet the rest of my family later this month.  This weekend I’m going to meet the rest of his friends.  We’ve booked a trip to Europe together.

We talk to each other on the phone everyday, usually more than once a day. During most of the phone calls there comes a time where he starts talking about how he can’t believe we’ve found each other, and how he’s never felt this way before.  One drunken night the other weekend he was getting ready to drop the L bomb.  I told him no, it was too soon.  He told me when we first started messaging he knew we were going to be together. He says beautiful things that fill my heart and set off sparks inside me.  All the things we chicks yearn to hear – he says I’m beautiful and smart and funny and he’s never laughed like he does when he’s with me and I make him feel special and he wants to spend time with me and he can’t wait for me to meet his kids (down the line) and time goes by so quickly when we’re together and time drags so slowly when we’re apart and he’s never been so excited to meet someone’s family.

My head is sometimes filled with “what if’s”.

  • What if he changes his mind about me?
  • What if he’s not smart enough?
  • What if he doesn’t challenge me?
  • What if he gets bored?
  • What if I get bored?
  • What if I’m just a rebound?
  • What if I only think I want to be with him?
  • What if what we feel isn’t real?
  • What if we don’t like each other once we really get to know one another?

I have doubts.  I don’t know if they’re real doubts or excuses I look for so it won’t work out and I can call things off before I get too involved.  If I get out now, then I won’t get hurt, right?  As often as he tells me how he feels about me, I am filled with insecurity.  If hours go by without me hearing from him I assume the worst and think he’s lost interest.  Which is ridiculous, and yet I can’t help it.  We’ve exchanged a few messages this morning, not as many as usual, and that makes me nervous.  Nervous EVEN THOUGH I know he’s out buying me shampoo and conditioner to keep at his house.  He went out and bought new sheets and bedding so I’d like his bed when I slept in it.  I’m being silly, I know it, and I can’t help it.

Being single, in many regards, is easy.  You have control over your life.  You decide who you let in and who you keep out.  You own your time and energy.  You do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want.  You don’t have to open yourself up to someone if you don’t want to.  I have been single for so long I’ve forgotten how to be in a relationship.  I am afraid to take the chance, of opening myself up to him and potentially getting hurt, of losing control over the life I have built for myself.

The honeymoon part of a relationship has always been my favorite part.  Effortless.  Amazing.  It’s like looking through life through a fresh set of eyes.  For whatever reason, this honeymoon phase makes me scared – I feel this time around I have so much more to lose and I’m afraid to give into it.  I’m looking for this to unravel and leave me wrecked.  Maybe I should stop doing that.  Maybe I should fall without knowing if there’s a safety net to catch me.  Maybe I should close my eyes and step off the ledge.

But I’m scared to do that.

6 Responses to “Two months”

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty May 1, 2018 at 6:11 pm #

    Here’s my new mantra “You don’t have to figure out forever today”. Relax, trust and enjoy the moments you have. Worrying won’t change the future, it will only steal the joy from today. (I know, weird coming from me, huh?) ❤

    • Catherinette May 2, 2018 at 10:07 am #

      You are the best internet bestie a girl could ask for. I’m going to not let tomorrow steal today’s joy.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty May 2, 2018 at 7:27 pm #

      That’s my girl! That’s what internet besties are for!

  2. Kerryn May 2, 2018 at 6:55 am #

    I always like the “what’s the worst that can happen” approach. If you let yourself go and fall into this 100%, what’s the worst that can happen? He (or you) ends it once you’re in deep.
    And then? You have had a broken heart before, and you got through it.
    I think you’re forgetting that you do have a safety net, yourself.
    You will ugly cry, you will be sad and maybe go through a period of depression, you will be angry and hurt and wish the whole world would just go to hell, but you will get through it.

    But what’s the best that can happen? This could be your forever person. The One.

    Also what Grey Goose said.

    • Catherinette May 2, 2018 at 10:06 am #

      Whoa. This is pretty deep – I am my own safety net. That hit me right between the eyes. Thank you. 🙂

  3. Traci Nies May 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm #

    Wow – 2 comments seemed to sum up the words I hope to one day need to hear. I too have been single a long while. And while I think I’m open to wanting a partner in crime in my life, I’m not entirely sure at my ripe age how adaptable I’ll be to managing that either. But, from the single girls cheering gallery, I’ll just add, jump. You already know what NOT stepping off the ledge is like, and what heart break repair steps to take in a very worst case scenario. I’ve personally only experienced scared partners that pull back instead of leaping forward with me. Your options here sound really awesome. And devil’s advocate, what if he does change his mind, or you change your mind, 6 months, 2 years or 15 years from now? What will keep regret away, jumping, or holding back? Newsflash: you’re about to jump. 🙂 I wish for you soft landings!

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