The Rules of a One Night Stand Revisited

14 Mar

Jumping back into the dating pool has been far more fun than I had anticipated.  Had you asked me 2 months ago what would have happened, I would have probably grumbled and expressed big doubts.  I’m pleasantly surprised with where I’ve landed and glad I’ve been open to getting practically naked with dudes who have zero interest in a long term relationship.  Thank you, Tinder, for bringing hot dudes to my bedroom.

Years ago I wrote about the rules of a one night stand.  With Thursday rolling around and offering the opportunity of a repeat performance with someone who’s already seen the inside of my bedroom, it’s time to revisit the rules.

Is it still a one night stand if the person is coming back for another round?  It kind of is, right?

There’s nothing quite like doing the dirty deed with a stranger.  Or with a friend.  Knowing that it will lead nowhere except to O-town.  There are those out there that look down upon the beauty of the One Night Stand (ONS), but I am not one of those individuals.  I do not look down on the ONS; instead I embrace it and jump on it any chance I get.  In fact, my first time was with a complete stranger-I knew him for 7 hours before giving up the goods.  Perhaps it was that experience at the tender age of 17 that left a positive impression.

Not all of my one nighters ran as smoothly as that first one.  Sure, there may have been a time when I thought it would lead to something more or perhaps my partner for the evening was under the same impression.  In the 18 [UGH – I’ve had to update this number now, in the 27] years since my first sexual encounter, I’ve learned there are certain rules of engagement someone should follow.  The ONS is not for the faint of heart.  If you decide you’re the type of person who can engage in such shenanigans, then these rules will help you make the most of your tawdry romp:

  1. Leave Your Emotions at the Door. If there’s any chance you are going to get emotionally involved, DO NOT PROCEED! A one night stand isn’t about emotions. It’s about sex. You’re basically using your partner in the place of a sex toy. Emotions don’t belong here. If there is the slightest chance you’ll wake up the next morning thinking, “He did it because he loves me,” then you’re better off going home and doing whatever it is you do to get yourself off.
  2. No Slumber Parties. At the end of the encounter, someone better get up, get dressed and go home. Any sleep overs may lead to cuddling, and cuddling may lead to crazy thoughts the person wants to cuddle because they like you. Sure, he or she has to like you enough to get naked and have a dirty wrestling match with you in the sheets (or the back of someone’s car). This doesn’t mean he or she wants to date you. This rule is closely linked to rule #1. I avoid slumber parties like the plague. I have the perfect line for getting the guy out of my house. Feel free to use it as your own. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said), “You know what’s funny? I’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” Works like a charm. Every single time.
  3. Be Safe. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the other person. Perhaps you’ve known him or her for years and years. Perhaps you just met 15 minutes ago. Regardless, you have to be smart and protect yourself. I don’t want to hear that whole, “I hate condoms. It makes me lose feeling.” Forget that nonsense. Wouldn’t you rather lose a bit of sensation than wake up pregnant or with a giant genital wart on your goodies? That’s what I thought.
  4. Have Fun. Who cares what he or she thinks of you tomorrow morning? Live it up for once in your life! If you’ve always wanted to do it standing up in your bedroom closet, then here’s your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and have your way with your partner. Go, do it now.
  5. No Questions. Do not, under any circumstances ask the following question after you have completed the act: “What does this mean?” Or even worse, “When can we see each other again?” Other variations may include, “Can I call you?” Asking those questions will only serve to ruin the wonderful afterglow of meaningless sex. It’s called “meaningless” for a reason, and that reason is it means nothing. It’s just two people (in some cases three or four) getting naked, tumbling in the sheets, and then going their separate ways. The only question you should even consider asking is, “Do you want to go again?” Got it? Good!

Now, go out there and get yourself some strange ass! But before you go, I’m dying to hear what other advice you might have for others that are interested in pursuing a one night stand. What would you suggest?

3 Responses to “The Rules of a One Night Stand Revisited”

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty March 14, 2018 at 9:01 pm #

    Thanks for the tips 😉 I will continue to live vicariously thru you as I would be one of the lame asses who starts to get feels for the guy (unless he’s a 28 year old, in Mexico and I’ve been drinking for 7 hours straight)

    • Catherinette March 15, 2018 at 10:30 am #

      No feels. NO FEELS! Just kick them out and date someone else. It works.

  2. startingsarah April 8, 2018 at 5:05 pm #

    These are great tips. I agree with all of them. I do tend to ask personal questions before but after I am out.
    I slept over ONCE and he called it the boyfriend experience. It was interesting but not for me. I blocked his number by the time I got to my car.

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