Archive | 10:21 am


6 Mar

I am liberated.  I have clarity.  I feel like William Wallace yelling “FREEDOM!” and marching forward.

I didn’t cry yesterday.  Not one single tear.  Instead, I got answers and with those answers a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  The feeling of the weight no longer there was incredible – I actually felt my shoulders soften.  I slept like a baby.

So as I wrote yesterday, in the haze of my disappointment with how things were with #4, I sent one last text message.  He responded in that tepid way he had been for the last few days.  In the text box I had written, “Is it just me, or are things really weird now.”  I stared at it for a few minutes and was getting ready to hit send when another one of his messages popped up and he asked if I was friends with any of my exes.  I didn’t send my text.

Um, what?  Okay.  I answered I was and asked why he wanted to know.

Then there it was.  As soon as the text message came from him it was like magic.  The clarity.  The reason and I was free.

He said he had stayed in touch with one of his ex-girlfriends, she was the first girl he dated after his divorce.  The rebound.

He had talked about her at dinner last week.  She wanted babies and to get married, and he didn’t want those things.  They had broken up, but they’d back slide.  As clear as he thought he was being with her, he thought she still wanted those things.  With him.  He liked her, as someone to hang out with and sleep with, but he didn’t want anything serious with her (or anyone) and he was afraid he’d hurt her.  He had said he thought maybe they couldn’t be friends because she wouldn’t be able to separate what she wanted with what he could give him, and it was a dick move on his part if he was stringing her along.

In last night’s text messages, she comes up again.  They were trying to be friends.  They were trying to be friends with benefits.  Apparently she thought they were dating again, when he thought it was just them having fun.  And he spilled out all this stuff about what he was thinking and whether/not he was going to hurt her and blah blah blah.  And in my head I was like, “whew, it’s not me.”  That validation I needed that it hadn’t been something that I had done and that it truly was something in his head.

It flipped a switch for me.

I left the conversation with the upper hand.  He’s lured back in.  He sent a message this morning.

And with that, I’m closing the door on him and moving on.

I am free.