Talking bodies

26 Feb

Dear friends and family who I am close with.  Look away.  This post is not for you.  This is a post about sexy things that you don’t need to read about.  Go away.  You do not want to read any further than this.  Trust me.  Too personal.  You’ll never look at me the same way.

You’ve been warned.

Go now.

I’m particularly talking to you, my sister.  Stop fucking reading.  You do NOT want to read.  I’m going to talk about naked things.  Casually walk away.

You know what I love?  A naked dude with a hot bod.  Broad shoulders, chiseled chest, abs of steel, biceps and triceps for days.  I’m not a religious person, but when I have that in front of me it makes me want to give thanks to just about any religious entity out there.  Lord have mercy!  To unwrap a man who has the body of Adonis is like a gift from God.  Just to strip their shirts off and run hands up their chests – muy caliente.  BUT THEN to have them naked and breathless beneath me.  Whew.  Is it me or is it starting to warm up in here?

Friends and family, if you didn’t heed my warning, go away RIGHT NOW!  Stop reading this immediately!  If you’re my sister and still reading this, you don’t want to go any further.

I’ve been fortunate in my time to have had several men with those bodies: Lawman (who had one blue eye and one green one), 3D, and Office Adonis. Lawman, in college, was tall, dark, and so fucking hot.  Man the way he filled out his shirts was something special.  The one night in college when we finally got together was a dream come true.  His body was all muscle, no fat.  At least I think it was, from what I remember, since I was so damn hammered.  And he had a massive penis.  MASSIVE.  Ginormous.  I miss him. Before 3D and I started dating he sent me a picture of him doing some yard work and he was shirtless.  I remember thinking, “[clappity clap] Yay!! I’m going to touch him!!”  As for Office Adonis, lord almighty.  When we finally got together and he peeled off his shirt, sweet Jesus, I’ve never seen anything like that.  Glorious to behold!  Amen.

In the same way that I can truly appreciate how super spicy hot it is to have a man that has the body of a Greek God, I’m sure that men also want to have naked fun times with a girl who has a bangin’ model hot bod.

I am not one of those girls.  Curves?  Yes, I have them.  Big boobs?  Yup, check.  Giant boobs that are drastically lower than the used to be.  Abs?  More like flabs.  Extra padding.  Dimpled thighs.  SO MANY FAT ROLLS!  All the fat rolls.  Okay, maybe just a few, but it feels like I have all of them.  If I bend a certain way, flab appears that I didn’t even know I had.  The thought of getting naked with someone absolutely petrifies me.  What if he sees everything?  Which he is going to see if we’re naked.  Because I know well enough not to turn off all the lights because men don’t like that.  But then he’ll see everything.


I fake.  I fake it friends.  On the inside, I’m dying and trying to come up with any position that will make me look slimmer.  On the outside, I pretend like there’s not a single dimple in either one of my thighs.  He’ll never know.  But I always figure that he’s noticing and just going along with it.

So here we are, back in the dating pool, and it’s occurred to me that at some point my naked body is going to be touched.  Awesome, in some respects, because hey, I’m being touched.  Frightening on the other hand, because, ugh, my body!!  If it were any of my friends I would tell her to shut her brain off.  That obviously the guy wanted to be with her and he won’t even care.  Since it’s me and I am stupid, I keep thinking, “he’ll be so grossed out.  He’ll only do it because he feels obligated.”  Logically, it is so stupid.  I totally get that.  Here’s that cracked diamond thing again with the self doubt.  What does a guy want with a girl who has dimpled thighs?  Especially if we’re just talking about something casual.

Let’s take, for example, #4.  Nothing has happened.  Yet.  It is going to.  I know it is.  Putting it out in the universe.  There will be nudity involved.  And here’s what I think.  On the night of – we’ll be wherever it is that we are: my house, his house, some parking lot, a dark alley – and I’ll look great in my clothes, and then as he peels off the layers and sees what’s underneath he’ll be like, “Oh.  This is not what I expected.”  Fuck.  Fuck, right?  He’s going to unleash the girls and they will be NOTHING like what he expected to be.  Cause he’ll notice, right?  Like it’s a big deal, right?  I don’t think he’ll be like, “ew,” but I don’t know.

Pep talk me, kids!!

11 Responses to “Talking bodies”

  1. RHW February 26, 2018 at 6:32 pm #

    While I’m not a dude, I can be pretty sure all he’ll be thinking is, woo hoo, I’m getting laid! After that, their brains shut off. That’s because all of the blood rushes from their heads down south. If they’re thinking about anything, it’s how to last long enough to satisfy you. 🙂 In other words, they have their own shit to think about.

    • Catherinette February 26, 2018 at 7:20 pm #

      Oh. Ok. I like this thinking of yours. Yes. I accept it.

  2. Grey Goose, Dirty February 26, 2018 at 6:37 pm #

    Oh geez. You have just narrated my own inner monologue. This isn’t my bag as I am CONVINCED that NYE date never wanted to see me again because it was broad daylight, on top of the bedding, in a well lit room and he could see EVERYTHING (and as it had been so long, I forgot all about the angles) because several of the times (TMI coming) he was standing over me. Now, if I could have a redo, I would have had a few cocktails, had some romantic bathroom lighting only and just said fuck it; stop being so paranoid and have your fun. Men love confidence!

    • Catherinette February 26, 2018 at 10:08 pm #

      Paranoia and self doubt is in my blood.

      Listen, I want to hear more about this story about how he was standing over you.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty February 26, 2018 at 10:12 pm #

      OMG, if I wasn’t having a fucking panic attack and in a shit-ton of pain (NEVER embrace a 4 year dry spell when you’re an old fart), I would have fucking loved it! He manhandled the hell out of me. 😉 Alas, I missed my chance for a do-over. Was really looking forward to a good hair pull…

    • Catherinette February 26, 2018 at 10:39 pm #

      YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!! I haven’t been with anyone in like 5 years!!!

    • Grey Goose, Dirty February 26, 2018 at 10:42 pm #

      Don’t freak out! I’m older than you and got thrown into the big M 6 years ago. As my doc said, after menopause your vagina is a total ‘use it or lose it’ kinda thing. Who the hell knew? I thought I was being good…. now I get to be on treatment for the rest of my single, online dating days

    • Catherinette February 26, 2018 at 11:00 pm #

      I’m going to use it. I’m going to give it to the world.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty February 26, 2018 at 11:18 pm #

      It’s the right thing to do 😉 Let my mistakes be your guide!

  3. Lady, Lost February 26, 2018 at 7:19 pm #

    Girl me last Wednesday – I was absolutely smashed, woke up next to an absolute SLICE with arms like a god and the first thing he said to me was “remember where you are?” I looked down and I was completely nude and I was thinking damn those shots really gave me Dutch courage. So many body barriers I usually have just went out the window. Remember we’re fabulous and if we know that too we just up the sexiness 1000%.
    He then called the next day asking to take me to dinner. Reel ’em in ….

    • Catherinette February 26, 2018 at 10:09 pm #

      Check you out luring them in. Nice work!! Real nice. Or should I say “reel” nice. 😉

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