Archive | 12:58 pm

Cracked diamond

22 Feb

Self esteem and confidence are weird concepts.  How’s it possible to come across as confident to others while inside you’re busy worrying about whether/not people like you?  To have days when you’re owning the shit out of your job, and then lay awake at night wondering if someone will find out that you don’t know what you’re actually doing?

My job requires a whole lot of relationship management.  I have an extraordinary gift with people, if I do say so myself.  My personality is a fucking 10.  I am charming, hilarious, smart, caring kind, people want to talk to me, which at work makes things much easier.  They seek me out for guidance, they offer suggestions, they’re willing to go the extra mile, even grant a favor from time to time.  On the rare occasion when I have to work with someone who doesn’t like me, it crushes my soul.  9 times out of 10, these rare birds aren’t worth giving a second thought about.  But it’s me, and they don’t like me, so it becomes all consuming.  That’s why I lose sleep over thinking things like, “why doesn’t so-and-so like me?  What do I have to do to get them to like me?” I legitimately spend endless hours trying to think through every little thing that I have to do to make them see what an amazing person I am.

Why?

Because if someone doesn’t like me then there’s something wrong with me.  There’s something wrong with me which is why they don’t like me.  So I just have to fix what they don’t like so they can like me.  Or I gotta figure out what they really like and portray that so that they’ll see what an amazing person I am – which is stupid since if I’m pretending to be someone who I’m not, then that’s not really me.  I seek validation of who I am by how other people see me.  Logically, I know that’s stupid.  As I write these words I’m thinking, “so ridiculous,” and yet I can’t help feeling that way.

Complete waste of energy.

You can imagine how incredibly fun and amazing carrying all of this into the dating world can be.  My confidence when it comes to men is even lower than at work.  At least there’s a list of accomplishments I can point to at work.  Dating?  Not so much.  What do I have?  Failed relationships and dudes who don’t like me back.  Sexual panther?  Yes, of course I am, but one who can’t get laid.  Whatever charm I have with people at work doesn’t seem to translate into the dating world.  My 10 personality seems to dim down to about a 6.  Unless I don’t like the guy in which case it ramps back up to a 10.

Years ago I used to see a therapist and he asked me to describe myself and I told him I was a cracked diamond.  I may be beautiful in a certain light, but if you look closely enough, you see the giant crack and it spoils everything.  I would try to conceal who I was so the person I was with wouldn’t see the crack inside.  Had to do it that way because the guy wouldn’t want me if he saw me for me.  Why would he when there are so many more beautiful options available?  Plus, if he liked me and knew the crack existed, then clearly there was something wrong with him, because why would he want a girl who was cracked?  I’m better at showing the angles of my diamond, but that fear of being rejected for who I am still sits with me.

Partially the reason I took a long break from dating was because of the emotional trashing I give myself when it doesn’t work out.  All those thoughts that run through my mind at night:

  • I’m not good/pretty enough.
  • I’m too fat.
  • Why not me?
  • Why don’t I have more matches?
  • Why can’t I find one that I want?
  • Why doesn’t he like me back?

At the root of it, it’s always me (in my mind) who is the problem.  It’s exhausting and draining.

Last night as I was going to bed I was thinking about #4.  Trying to figure out why on earth I spend so much time thinking about someone who has been brutally honest with me and told me there’s no future here.  Thinking if I could just show him who I am, then maybe he’d change his mind.  My personality is a god damned 10!  No, I don’t want a long term relationship with him, he’s far too broken for me.  Bone him, sure.  You bet.  Drop of a heartbeat.

Thinking to myself, “why am I wasting my time thinking about someone who clearly doesn’t see my value?”  And there it was, the epiphany: I’m trying to make him like me because if he doesn’t, then there’s something wrong with me.  So I have to show him every single fucking angle of my amazing personality until he catches the right look and realizes how amazing I am.  What the fuck?

I’m caught in the swirl and I can’t get out.  Frankly, I don’t know if I want to get out, because I like the attention he gives me when he gives it to me.

And because I’m going to make him like me.

I just made myself really vulnerable here.  Be gentle with me.