Archive | 4:01 pm

Catherinette’s Theory on Finding the Ideal Mate

16 Feb

Ideal Mate

Welcome to today’s lesson on dating.  Today we’ll be talking about Catherinette’s Theory on Finding the Ideal Mate.  There’s even a visual for you to use and share with your family and friends!!

As the above graph indicates, when you’re looking for an ideal mate, it’s important to look at them from a number of dimensions.  On the X axis we’re looking at their ability to serve as a bonafide sex god (or goddess), and on the Y axis we’re identifying how emotionally available they are.  When measuring their sex god-ness, we consider the following factors:

  • body,
  • experience,
  • prowess,
  • willingness to please his/her partner.

The factors we use to determine if someone is emotionally available are:

  • willingness to be vulnerable,
  • openness to commitment,
  • reliability,
  • ability to effectively communicate their feelings.

The goal is to identify what you’re looking for and what the other person has to offer. Looking for a booty call?  Ensure your potential partner is high on the X axis – you do not want to mess with someone who is too high on the Y access.  They may be too sensitive and talk about feelings and no one wants that shit when all you want is hot and sweaty good times.  Looking for a long term relationship?  Make sure you’re getting pretty damn far on that y axis.  It’s not fun to try to drag feelings out of someone who isn’t far enough on that axis and all they want to do is touch you with their peen.

In the above example, I’ve plotted #4 and The Tutor based on what I know.  As you can see, neither of them quite meets exactly what we’re looking for (the unicorn).  So this is fun, right?  They’re like fucking opposites.  One is dying to knock boots and not commit (except for this stupid idea of “monogamous friends with benefits” thing he made up), and the other wants to wait to knock boots until the proper emotional foundation is established.

What I’m learning in all of this is that #4 is probably a tad too bit sexually adventurous for me, and The Tutor is probably too sensitive for me.  What makes the most sense is to pull out of both and move onto the next one.  But where’s the fun in that, right?

I’m doing this for you.

(It’s been an extremely busy day at work, as you can see by this incredible graph I’ve created.)

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