Archive | December, 2017

Step Up

7 Dec

Part of the reason my ass is so fat is that I suffer from an affliction that many Americans suffer from: laziness.  Why walk 3 blocks when you can drive?  Why get out of the car at the Starbucks when you can sit in your car an extra 20 minutes to order your venti whole milk extra whip hot cocoa latte frappuccino latte?  Why climb 2 fights of stairs when there’s an elevator?  Why cook when you can order fried chicken and have it delivered via Uber Eats?

I’m busy.  I have things to do.  I have cookies to eat.  And my Netflix queue isn’t going to watch itself. I don’t have time for fitness, and health, and that shit.

I live a mile from work and can’t be bothered to walk.  Instead I drive everyday, and park in the garage like my coworkers.  Walk up the 5 flights of stairs from the garage to the lobby?  Ha!  No way.  Fuck that for a joke.  I don’t bother entertaining walking from the lobby up the 3 flights of steps to my office.  In the elevator I go with all the other overweight folks who should cut back on carbs and try to get in 10,000 steps instead of just 5,000.  My big step intake is walking from the garage elevator to the office elevator.  62 steps.  Round trip.

So, you can imagine my dismay when the garage elevator broke yesterday.  I was riding up with a coworker when we started hearing lots of grinding.  The kind of grinding you don’t ever want to hear on an elevator.  20 minutes later a message was sent to all staff that the elevator was closed for repairs.  Closed for weeks until the needed part was ordered and arrived.

Great.  That means walking up 5 flights of stairs every morning.  Better not forget anything in my car because I’m not going back down to get it.

Even better?  Today our other elevator broke.  And we have no idea when that one is going to get repaired because we can’t get a fucking call back from our maintenance office.

Awesome.  Really fucking great.  8 fucking flights of stairs every god damned morning.

To add insult to injury you need to swipe in to use access our floor from the stairwell.  And guess whose office is immediately next to the stairwell.  Yup.  That would be mine.  I’ve already opened the door eleventy twelve times because the receptionist is too busy gabbing on the fucking phone.  I already got an earful from the Fed Ex dude that had to run up and down the stairs because he had too much to be able to carry in one load.

On the bright side I guess it means that I can shove a few extra Christmas cookies down my throat.

 

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C- for Effort

1 Dec

I had a boss who used to tell me that “A players hired A players, and B players hired C players.”  You could always tell how good a leader was by who she hired.  It’s been interesting coming to an institution like this and seeing what happens with a bunch of C players. Disaster of a place to work.  I don’t recommend it.  In fact, when I had a friend reach out because he had seen a job posted, I told him the truth and recommended that he run away as fast as he can.

My first boss* here at the University of Broken Dreams was hilarious, and a terrible boss.  Those 2 things are totally unrelated.  Great to hang out with him in his office and have him laugh at all of my hilarious jokes-because my jokes are hilarious.  When it came to actually getting the work done, or influencing the people at the top of the house he was completely inept.  More of a yes man than anything else.

It’s no surprise I found myself on a team with a bunch of people who were absolutely satisfied with doing the bare minimum.  Pretty much everyone was so happy to provide any excuse as to why the job wasn’t getting done.  And man how they resist change.  Hearing things like, “we’ve always done it this way,” or “we tried that once and it didn’t work,” or “we’ll never get so-and-so to buy that” gets old really fast.

My first boss is no longer here, he left several months ago to “pursue a different opportunity.”  For those of you who don’t know, that’s code for “was fired.”  We have a new sheriff in town and she is a ROCK STAR!  Fucking dream come true.  No nonsense, tells it like it is, has high standards, and is giving everyone a kick in the ass that the team needs.  It’s awesome!  Finally, someone with high expectations.  I love her.  The rest of the team is struggling.

One of my teammates doesn’t care for how much work she has to do.  Like that she actually has to do her entire job now, not just 75% of it.  She can’t stand that instead of working 37.5 hours a week sometimes she has to work 40.  Because,  you know, she came to the University of Broken Dreams for work/life balance.

Maybe it’s me, but I always took work/life balance to mean that you still do your job and you have a life.  Not that you half ass your job so you can have a life.  Call me crazy.

Working for a boss who is smart, capable, and holds you to high standards is far better than working for someone who doesn’t care, doesn’t know what they’re doing, has a personal agenda, or is anything like Matt Lauer.  No thank you, I’ll pass.  Life’s too short to work for a shitty boss, and we live in a world where there are plenty of opportunities out there.

 

*To be clear here, he wasn’t responsible for hiring me.  His boss was, and she had inherited him.  She is excellent.