Six months. Six blissful months in Australia and now I have returned to ‘Merica. Yes, I saw kangaroos, and koalas. No, I did not meet Crocodile Dundee, or make shrimp on the barbie. Yes, I met someone. No, it won’t last forever. Yes, I made out with him outside my hotel. No, I did not touch his penis. Yes, I had secret boyfriends. No, I did not ruin any marriages.
So back to work and back to boring old sex-less life in the USA.
[insert sad trombone music here]
Really the only good thing about being back is I’m reunited with one of my secret boyfriends. So secret he doesn’t know about it. And happily married. Of course he is. Because every dude I meet is either married, a douche bag, married and a douche bag, or single for some reason other than being a douche bag. Anyway, so Bow Tie was sitting in my cubicle today and had just finished explaining to me why he doesn’t wear a wedding ring (it’s not because he cheats), when he blurted out, “Where’s Kate Spade?”
Not a question you hear everyday from a straight dude.
“This, Kate Spade?” I asked him while showing him my bag. “No, the blue dress,” he responded.
Ah, yes. The blue dress. The blue dress I purchased last October before heading off to Europe for a month. The blue Kate Spade dress that I got an excellent deal on. The blue dress that sucks everything in and makes me look hot. The one he commented on every time he saw me in it.
“That’s a winter dress. It’s wool. I can’t wear it in summer time.” People, that’s a lie. It’s not so much that I can’t wear it in summer. It’s that I can’t wear if I want to zip the thing because I gained (no joke) 20 pounds in Australia and went up 2 dress sizes since I bought it.
I have two months to lose 20 pounds so I can fit back into that damned blue fucking dress.
Bye bye french fries, and chips, and cupcakes, and wine every night, and fried foods, and chocolates, and lollies, and pasta dishes, and 4 lattes a day, and Jesus no wonder I’m so fat.