Picture it…it’s 3:00 AM and you’re dead asleep in your bed when you hear some scratching sounds at your window. You turn in your bed, open your eyes, and see two black things on the window screen. “Birds? At this hour?” you think to yourself. You sit up in bed, turn on the light, and that’s when those two black things take flight – straight at you. You scream like a baby, run down the stairs, and hide in the corner of your house while you try to figure out who the hell you’re going to call in the middle of the night to get the bats out of your house.
That’s what happened to my mom the other night. Poor Mamacita has been sharing her lovely country home with a colony of brown bats. Not a handful of them. A colony. That’s a whole COLONY of bats. Yeah, so that’s not really awesome – and in related news I won’t be heading down to Baltimore anytime soon. Since that first night when the two bats decided to dive bomb her in the middle of the night, they’ve removed four bats from her house.
Four different companies have come out to do assessments and give estimates.
- The first dudes jacked up the job in a major way and then over charged her. Mainly because they’re giant assholes. On the bright side, she can totally sue them for everything they’re worth because they killed TWO bats in front of her – which is a felony.
- The second company was kind enough to tell her that the first company did a shitty job, and then gave her a ridiculous amount as an estimate.
- Company number three sent out a dude who may have sniffed too much glue as a child. His response was, “I don’t see any bats. So maybe they’re gone. Maybe let’s wait to see if you see anymore, and if you do, then we know you have some bats.” Really?
- The final company seems to be the most reasonable. They put all their little bat traps up today and expect the COLONY of bats to be gone within the next few days.
Who knew that getting rid of bats in your home would be so complicated? First of all, they’re protected – you can’t kill them. And even if you could, why would you want to? Their poor rotting bodies would be in your walls and they’d stink up your whole house. Second, they can crawl into a space as long as there’s a hole the size of a pen. Do you know how many holes you have in your house that are that size? A lot. Good luck finding them all.
My poor mother has taken refuge at my sister’s house until the bat situation is taken care of. A house full of bats, or a house with Damien and Lucy(fer). Wow, that’s like Sophie’s choice right there.