I hope you choke on your sandwich

15 Jul

A few weeks ago one of my friends from Widgets & Co. asked me why we didn’t have any upcoming lunches scheduled.  For about a year I had tried to wrangle up a group of friends for monthly lunches.  There were about 7 of us, and it was very rare that all of us were able to get it together to actually make it.  There were always lame excuses like: I have a meeting, or I have too much work to do, or I’m an asshole.  Mainly it was that last excuse.  Because so many people were bailing, I thought, “fuck it, I’m not scheduling anymore.”

Fast forward four months and several of the regulars are asking to have them put back on the schedule.  Fine.  I’ll bite.

I fell for it.  Just like an asshole.

Today was the big day for lunch, and man was I excited!  Lunch all packed, only thing on my calendar for the day – otherwise I could have worked from home – and I was fired up to catch up with anyone.  First thing this morning, one of my friends declined.  Fine, no bigs, there was still a group of them.

Noon rolls around and two of them are sitting at their desks…with their lunches already half eaten.  “You guys coming to lunch?” I asked.

With her mouth full one said, “Oh, yeah.  I declined.  I was supposed to have another meeting, but it got cancelled.”  Um, so doesn’t that mean you’re free now?  She obviously was extremely busy pinning gift ideas for her baby on Pinterest.  Pretty sure you can do that from home.

And the other one said, “I was going to be in that same meeting too.  I’m going to catch up on some work I have to do.”  Really?  Last time I checked your job wasn’t online shopping.  And by the way, those pants you were looking at are not cute.

Fine.  Bitches.  Whatever, there are still a few more to go.  One of the dudes I saw from across the room and I waved him over.  “You ready for lunch?”

He stared at me blankly, “what lunch?”  Uh, the one you accepted six weeks ago.  “Oh, that one.  Yeah, I don’t have anything on my calendar.”  Again, doesn’t that mean you’re free?

Three down, and two to go.  Not two minutes later the dude who had asked me to schedule the lunch walked over to my desk to inform me that he wasn’t going to make it.  By this point I was pissed.  Six weeks.  These people had SIX WEEKS to tell me they couldn’t go.  How hard is it to just decline the appointment?  And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re “busy” when all you’re doing is fucking around on Pinterest and the Ann Taylor website.  You’re not busy!  You’re being an asshole.

So I stomped down the steps to meet the remaining dude.  Guess what?  He didn’t show.  Seriously??

I did what any mature adult would do – I packed up my shit and came home without telling any of them goodbye.  I am never ever setting one of those lunches up again.   Oh, they’re going to be sorry!  Yeah they are!!  When I’m sitting on the other side of the world during my six month assignment they’ll all be thinking, “man, I really wish I had gone to that lunch.  I miss her so much.”

And furthermore, I hope they all get terrible food poisoning that causes humiliating explosive diarrhea.  Suck on that, assholes.

In somewhat related news, I’m totally PMSing and the slightest thing sends me into a fit of rage.

5 Responses to “I hope you choke on your sandwich”

  1. dontbmistaken July 15, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    Let them know! For real!

    I’m not saying to be an asshole,about it but they should at least be aware that they wasted your time. A simple; “totally get that you have work to do but this was my only meeting today. I was planning to,work,from home and didn’t want to,stand you up…”

    That alone says: you’re an inconsiderate dick!

    • Catherinette July 15, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

      I was very mature about it. I removed the meeting from everyone’s calendars and wrote, “I hate all of you.” -CS

  2. Skylers Dad July 15, 2013 at 4:18 pm #

    Let them schedule their own little lunch meeting, and when they do, schedule your own meeting they have to attend for the same time.

  3. marinasleeps July 15, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

    Omg!! I would be pist! Like throwing shit livid.

  4. Suelinhess July 16, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

    I want you to know that I would drop everything if I could have lunch with you RIGHT NOW. I miss you!

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