Let me clue you in on a little secret: 1 year olds do not need birthday parties. Know why? Because they’re not going to remember anything from that day. So before you throw tons of money at colored napkins, assorted serving ware meant to match said colored napkins, and party favors for the under 2 crowd, remember that you could be throwing all that money into your kid’s college fund instead.
Against my better judgement I agreed to go to my friend’s daughter’s party yesterday. Why? Mainly because I’m stupid, but also because I thought it would be the right thing to do. I did my duty and threw money away on loud toys that she could annoy her parents with, and figured I’d be in and out of the party in an hour and a half. You can imagine my surprise when I showed up at the party and there were two things missing: the guest of honor and the alcohol.
Who the fuck throws a party without alcohol? Last time I checked a party without booze is the same thing as a waste of time. Listen, if you’re going to make me sit around surrounded by screaming toddlers the least you could do is offer me a beer. Mom and baby were 45 minutes late to the party. I don’t get it. We all know that being late can be fashionable, but if you’re throwing the party, bringing the guest of honor, and all the food – maybe you should plan on being there early. At least if I had had some booze I wouldn’t have been so irate that I had to sit around outside waiting for the damn guest of honor.
Fine. Whatever. They finally go there and we were all able to eat the cold pulled pork and warm potato salad. And of course everyone had to ooh and aah over the birthday girl. I’ll be honest with you, she is freaking cute and she has an equally delightful personality to match. Unfortunately for her, she had a terrible cold and her little face was covered in baby snot. Not cute. Also not cute is when I was holding her and she decided to sneeze all over my white shirt and then rub her snotty nose on my bare arm. Dislike, y’all. Clearly she was equally disappointed in the fact that there was no alcohol. That’s okay, I gave her some sips of my coke when no one was looking. I’m sure her mom and dad had a great time trying to put her down for a nap later that afternoon.
I’ve learned my lesson. Next time I’m invited to a toddler’s party I’ll be coming down with a terrible flu or an extremely contagious case of some skin disease.