Let’s take a moment to talk some truths on what it’s really like to get older. Not talking here about how wrinkles suddenly begin appearing on your forehead, or your neck. The neck wrinkles are what really throw me. I have a girlfriend who is six years younger than I am but she’s got the neck of a 70 year-old. How does that happen? At 39, I’m proud to have the neck of a 32 year old. But do dudes really notice that? Don’t think I’ve ever heard a dude say, “She was hot, but her neck wrinkles were a total turnoff.”
But I digress.
Let’s talk about the important stuff: how fucking terrible hangovers are when you’re older.
It’s cute when I hear my young friends say shit about how they were hungover. How they had a tinge of a headache, took an hour nap, and then felt so much better. I remember those days – about 20 years ago. A hangover in college was nothing – it literally felt like I was about to get a bit of a headache. All it took was a glass of water, a 15 minute nap, and I was golden. Fast forward two decades and it almost feels like I need to call 911, have a full blood transfusion, a new liver, and a lobotomy to feel better. Fucking worst.
The really stupid part is that they’re so easily avoidable, I mean, how hard is it to just say no to that one last drink? That delicious drink that is heaven in a glass? My limit is four – I know it is – and yet there are times when I think to myself that as long as I drink another glass of water that I’ll be fine. Then 3 hours later I’m laying in my bed having a panic attack because I know the hangover is going to get me. A legitimate panic attack – not awesome.
For those of you who are still young, here are all the awesome things you have to look forward to:
- Headaches: headaches that feel like your brain will explode out of your forehead causing your eyes to pop out, and then your brain to ooze out of your eye sockets.
- Dry mouth: the Mojave dessert will reside in your mouth. No amount of lip smacking, tongue tapping, or water will be able to quench the dryness that settles in your mouth. You could take a match and strike it on the roof of your mouth.
- Queasiness and vomiting: you will want to vomit the world. Your stomach will rumble, and you probably won’t be able to hold down the water that would actually help you get rid of the hangover. There will even come a moment in the middle of the night where you might think, “I should probably just make myself get sick and I’ll feel better.” Then while you’re vomiting last night’s half digested pepperoni pizza you come to the realization that no, vomiting is going to make you feel better. Only God striking you dead on the bathroom floor will make you feel better.
- [And now the part that no one ever wants to talk about] Stomach cramps and the big D: get ready for (I’m struggling to actually write the word because I hate talking about it so much that I’m just procrastinating and trying to avoid it but I feel like I need to tell you how it really is so I’m talking myself into it and trying to avoid it all at the same time so I just am trying to figure out how to just write it and it’s making me nervous and grossed out at the same time but here we go so get ready…) explosive diarrhea. It’s going to happen. You, my friend, are going to get to a moment when you say to yourself, “I am rotting from the inside.” It’s going to happen, and you might cry while it happens because it’s so incredibly disgusting, and you should cry. Because you did that to yourself. You did that – you made your body do that and it’s your fault.
Typical recovery time can be anywhere from 24 to 48 hours. No joke. And I’ll tell you what? They morning you wake up after having fought off the hangover is like being totally reborn. You could conquer the world you feel so fucking amazing. And three days later when you’re at Happy Hour and you’re still apprehensive about whether or not you should have one more drink, I hope you remember when you were sobbing on the toilet because your insides were coming out your backside.
And that, young friends, is what you have to look forward to.