Archive | 7:41 pm

Giving a little tlc to TLC

17 Jan

Dear TLC,

We need to talk.  I’m starting to get concerned about the direction in which your life is heading.  Remember when we were first introduced and you had all these amazing shows?  Those were good times.  Sure, at first it was a little hard because people thought, “The Learning Channel?  What’s that about?” And you taught us!  You really did, TLC!  We learned about nature, and science, and different social issues, and cultural challenges, and all sorts of other stuff that made us really think.

Then something happened, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

How did you get from where you started to “Toddlers & Tiaras”, “Gypsy Sisters”, “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”, and “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”  What, TLC, is it that you want us to learn right now?  Because so far, the only thing I’ve learned is that I don’t want to learn what you want to teach.


Your transformation reminds me of one of those smart college girls with her glorious future ahead of her who decides to try a “bump” at a party.  “I won’t get addicted,” she thinks.  But 6 months later she’s fired from her job, kicked out of the house, and is accepting $25 for a half and half behind the Wal-mart.  Shortly there after she ends up doing gang bangs in porn because she needs money to buy more drugs.  Pretty sure she never saw herself sucking six dicks on camera for the $120 that the director is paying for her.

That’s what’s happening to you, TLC.  You’re about to find yourself with two other girls in that scene where you pretend your car breaks down and you have no money and the only way you can get it fixed is if you do a bukkake scene with 8 black guys.  This isn’t what you want for yourself, TLC, it’s not.

Look, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, but I can’t support you any longer.  Your decisions are beginning to make me uncomfortable, and I can’t stand by you while you ruin your life.  If you do not accept help today, our relationship will change in the following ways — wait, no, that’s A&E.  My bad.

Anyway, seriously, it’s time to take inventory of your life, TLC, you really need to think about where you’re heading and what you’ll end up doing if you don’t get back on track.  Come back to us, TLC, come back.  Make me want to learn stuff again – and not about how spending 8 hours a day couponing will help me build a lifetime supply of mayonnaise and toilet paper.

We miss you.  Come back to us.

Sincerely, your viewers.