Hey! How you been? Still working at that place doing that thing you like to do? How about Scott? You keep in touch with him? Tell him I said hi if you see him. Always liked him – he was a good guy. His girlfriend, on the other hand, man, she was piece of work! No idea what he ever saw in her! But you know what I mean.
Anyway, I’m sure you weren’t expecting to hear from me. Kind of out of no where. I know, but we need to have a talk. A very serious talk. It’s about what you’ve been up to lately. Looks like you never got the memo. Just wanted to make sure you were clear on something here…
You know when we decided to break up and we went our separate ways? Or maybe I dumped you for that other dude or because you were acting like a dick or because you didn’t pay enough attention to me or we couldn’t communicate or you were SMOTHERING me or you were a total control freak? Or maybe you left me for my best friend or felt like you needed someone who was more sexually adventurous or because you loved me but you weren’t in love with me? Well, whatever the deal was, you missed something that I’m SURE I alluded to and you didn’t pick up on.
Yeah, so anyway, you’re not supposed to move on. Yikes! Awkward, I know! Not sure how you missed that, but that’s the case. You, mister, are not supposed to do anything but pine away for me for the rest of my life. Sure, you can go ahead and get fat and your hairline can recede. Oh, and maybe you can have a totally meaningless relationship with a girl who is fatter than I am, but that’s about it. Actually, scratch that, not even with a fatty. Yeah, that’s better.
Basically the way this whole deal works is that for the rest of your life you pine away for me and yearn for the days when we were still together because I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. I mean, clearly I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. After all, I’m me and all. How can you ever find someone who can possibly compare to me? Let’s face facts, you can’t. So let’s stop this little game, okay?
You should probably tell your new girlfriend/wife/play thing. Might be a little awkward for them, but they know the deal. After all, they’ve probably cosigned this letter.
See ya! Oh, and tell your mom I still miss her meatloaf!!