Archive | 11:46 am

My resolution is to be less of a drunk fat ass

2 Jan

Ah, New Year’s.  That time of year where we all decide we’re going to do two things:

  1. Lose weight
  2. Save money.

Then three weeks into the New Year we all throw our arms up in the air and yell “Fuck it!” while we order the $26 mac n cheese and another round of drinks for all our friends.  Then we go home, put on some stretchy pants, and cry into the nearest bowl of ice cream questioning why we’re still single and whether or not we should just surround ourselves with cats and why can’t we afford a new car instead of driving the same sedan we’ve had for the last six years.  It totally happens to you, right?  RIGHT??

Or not…

Like you I too have made those same decisions.  The first one stemming from an episode on Christmas Eve.  At 4:00 AM when I went to bed I had a minor panic attack when I got stuck in my cute little jacket.  It had nothing to do with a zipper getting stuck-that would have been okay.  No, no, this was far worse.  The sleeves got caught on the fat of my arms and I couldn’t take it off.  There was a moment when I was trapped in my own jacket with both of my arms behind my back.  I was on my way down the stairs, ready to ask someone to butter up my arms so I could get the jacket off, when I finally wriggled free.  It was not a pretty sight.

And the money?  For the last few years I’ve been using to track my spending.  Last year I spent almost $9,000 on food (see resolution number 1), that’s a $3000 from the year before.  Worse still is that approximately 1/3rd of that went towards alcohol.  That’s bad.  That’s a trip somewhere.  I literally drank a week’s vacation to Paris.  That’s disgusting.  No wonder I’m still driving a six year old sedan.  How could I possibly afford a car payment when I’m too busy drinking the money away every month?

Dear friends, I’m committed to meeting these goals.  So committed, in fact, that I spent four hours on New Year’s Day pinning recipes to Pinterest and signing back up for Weight Watchers.  I even bought a new blender so I can make my smoothies in the morning.  Yes, I spent an extra $40 on Amazon when I did that, but I totally needed that new flat iron and the calendar for my cubicle wall.  Those are things I need!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go track my points on Weight Watchers.