There are certain things that are genetic. In my family, we’re part idiot on my dad’s side of the family. Somewhere in our genes there is also amazing coolness and badassness (I made that word up. You’re welcome).
My cousin, Suzy Cream Cheese, is one of the coolest badasses I have ever met. Our dads are brothers, and they are both idiots. My mom and dad divorced when we were pretty young. For some reason, when that happened, the family just kind of lost touch. I have vague memories of my cousins from when I was little. Fast forward 20+ years and two of my three cousins find me on Facebook. They are awesome. I feel robbed by our dads that they didn’t try harder to keep us all together. Why? Because they were idiots. It would have been so incredibly AWESOME to grow up together. Can only imagine the kind of trouble we would have gotten into.
Now when we hang out it’s kind of funny when we tell people we’re cousins. Why? Because I’m half Mexican and she’s half Chinese. A taco and and an eggroll. People seem so confused when we tell them we’re related. They kind of stare for a minute and then announce, “Oh yes! I see the resemblance!” I believe they see our combined awesomeness.
As shitty as our dads are, she has turned into such an great mom. She’s got a super cool husband, and three great kids. And I’m not just saying that because we’re family. You’ve heard me talk plenty of shit about my own niece and nephew. You know I tell it like it is.
There’s no one who can parent teenagers like she can. When I grow up and have a family – assuming my eggs don’t die before that happens – I want to be just like her. One time, when her daughter wrote with permanent marker on an antique desk they inherited, Suzy Cream Cheese wrote “hi” on her daughter’s forehead with the same pen and posted it on Facebook.
But she really topped herself with this post in which she tagged her daughter:
Moms: don’t like your teen girl traipsing around in subzero weather wearing teeny summer tanks? Box up those summer clothes! Don’t like your teen girl sassing you when you’re asking her reasonable questions? Confiscate the phone and schedule her to miss after-school activities in order to do chores. Don’t like nagging and nagging teen girls to clear out rotting food, dirty laundry, etc from their bedrooms? Visit bedrooms with large trash bags and clear it all out. All.
Teen girls: don’t like listening to moms? All of the above happens. Try to untag this or unfriend mom? Halloween dance at school will take place without you.
This makes me want to run out and get pregnant just so I can do the same thing to my own kids.