It’s a typical hump day for me. One that involves zero humping. There is a little something special on the books today. Peeing in a cup followed by a finger in the ass.
I know what you’re thinking, “Catherinette finally found a boyfriend.” Not quite. Not even close. No, my friends, it’s that time of year again: The time where I’m molested by a doctor while she judges me for having no sex life.
Sure, sure, at least Vangelina Jolie will get some attention. But it’s not quite the type of attention she’s interested. Trust me when I tell you that whenever you hear, “you’re going to feel some pressure,” that you’re going to feel like you’re about to be ripped on two. Not a good feeling when the doc had half her hand shoved up inside you while pressing down on your stomach with the other hand and asking you about the weather. Just wait until you have someone’s freaking fist wedged up inside you while they talk about current events. Go ahead and try to keep a straight face and let me know how that goes for you.
I did something new this time, I made the doctor laugh – and it wasn’t when she saw what gravity had done to my breasts. No, no. It goes a little something like this.
- Dr.: Are you sexually active.
- Me: No. Not currently. [insert sad trombone music]
She doubled over laughing. Further proving I am awesome and dispelling my personality is what keeping the men away. Clearly it’s my body. And those boobs that have decided they want to be closer to the floor.
Other than that whole fisting thing when they check your ovaries, going to the OB/GYN is relatively painless – and totally not hot. Back when I was dating Mr. Big X, he would get really excited when it was time for my annual. He had it in his mind that it was essentially a lesbian encounter and the doctor would end up propositioning me while my legs were up in the stirrups. He was disappointed every time I came home and informed him that it didn’t happen. Then he’d have me give him the blow by blow details of what happened.
Perhaps I should have taken home some examples of the shit they put inside you to test you for diseases. Like these little numbers:
You’re looking at the cervical brush and broom. Or what Jersey Belle describes as the “Vaginal Swiffer”. Guessing that bringing those suckers home probably would have killed the mood.
Then again, maybe he would have wanted to play “doctor”.