That’s it! I knew it!! I freaking knew it!! Proof positive that there is something horribly wrong with me – which explains my perpetual singleton-ness. So let me spell out what happened to confirm that I have some strange vibe that repels all men (aside from those who are married, emotionally retarded, or too young). Obviously Taylor Swift and I have a lot in common. Sure, sure, I don’t date people like a Kennedy, or John Mayer, or Jake Gyllenhall, or anyone at all. Nor can I carry a tune or look like a Barbie doll. But whatever. I can totally relate to her. Clearly Taylor Swift isn’t the only one who has trouble with relationships.
There’s this girl at work who I’m friends with on Facebook. We’ve spoken a few times and share a love for Wegmans. That seams about it. This isn’t one of those regular coworkers that you’re like, “she’s cool as shit”. She’s one of those, “Jesus, she is freaking weird.” Take her Facebook page as evidence. When I see statuses like:
- “My two great loves, boyfriend and beach…brought to you by the letter B.”
- “…is having a serious love affair with brown rice these days. :-)”
- “Whole wheat pancakes and organic strawberries for breakfast. :)”
- “…and honey went old school and watched The Addams Family last night. I forgot how much I loved that movie!!!! :-)”
It reminds me that I have an exciting life. True my life isn’t filled with whole wheat pancakes or brown rice, but it’s pretty good. She spends most of her time writing about yoga, organic food, and her boyfriend.
He’s a weird one too. He’s the type of guy that as soon as you look at him you think, “he’s got a Disney credit card and he is WAY too into Star Wars.” My guess is he played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons or Magic the Gathering growing up. Just a feeling. Her cover photo is of Tinkerbell, her profile pictures if of her new Hello Kitty tattoo, AND her first trip with her boyfriend was to a Star Trek convention…where they BOTH dressed up. And they didn’t dress up like awesome characters, they dressed up as lame ass characters from some obscure episode or some shit. Not cool.
On the way to Atlantic City (notice that I wrote “on the way” and not “in”) yesterday they got engaged. I know because Facebook tells me so.
Meanwhile, I’m like, WHAT THE FUCK! How does someone as weird as she is have a fiance and I can’t get a normal date to save my life. There’s only one possible explanation: I was kidnapped by aliens at some point in my life and they’ve done something to me that repels normal men.
For reals though, I think it’s time to just get a bunch of fucking cats, learn how to knit, start drinking tea, carrying Vera Bradley bags and just giving up.