I Have to Lay Off the Crack Pipe

19 Oct

Apparently that’s what I was smoking before bed the other night because I had some jacked up dreams.  Jacked. Up.

There’s this client at work who I love.  LOVE.  I would like to climb up on his lap and make him mine.  Unfortunately, he’s married with children. On the bright side this is wife number 4, and he has the reputation of a dog – right up my alley.  Still, I’ve been very good – it’s only when I swoon in front of my boss and tell all my coworkers he’s my secret boyfriend (so secret he doesn’t know about it) that anyone would know.  The man’s voice is like velvet.  The first time we interacted was over the phone and I think I creamed myself in the 30 second it took him to tell me he hadn’t received the files that had been sent out.

I promptly announced to my boss that I was in love and she said, “I knew you’d like him”.  She said it’s his boyish charm that makes him so popular.  Being the awesome boss she is, she immediately assigned me to work on a project with him.  Cloud 9.  By the time I met him we’d already had several conversations, all that left me trembling.  Dreamy, I tell you.  It’s just as well because being the shallow bitch that I am I’d never gave gotten past his lazy eye if we hadn’t spoken on the phone 1,000 times before the meeting.  Yup, lazy eye.  You read that right.

Anyway, he had a starring role in my dream the other night.  The dream had much promise – there could have been sweet, sexy whispers of that velvety smooth voice.  After enjoying a lovely meeting at the house I grew up in (while my mom and sister were in the kitchen), we started pouring through my photo albums.  You know, because that’s what one usually does after a business meeting and leading up to sexy times.  Clearly this would end up with us sneaking up to my bedroom on the third floor while my mom made tacos in the kitchen. But, no.  Of course I ended up having a nightmare where he ended up snarling at me like a dog and attempting to devour me (and not in a good way).  He was more like a hair-free werewolf than someone I’d want to get on.  He then proceeded to chase me through China Town (??), and then he kidnapped me because he was part of a cult.  And this cult was totally into brainwashing people.

You see, the point of the brainwashing the people is so they could fall in love.  If a brainwashed person fell in love with a non brainwashed person, it wouldn’t work out.  BUT if two brainwashed people fell in love with each other then it would last forever.  So he ends up moving on to someone else because I haven’t been brainwashed yet.  And then my son gets kidnapped by the cult so he can be brainwashed and I don’t even care.  And at the very end I bump into this dude and it’s like POW! we’re in love.

And that, my friends, is why one shouldn’t eat a bag of chips and a chocolate bar before bed.

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