The “Accidental” Booby Touch

9 Jul

It’s no secret that most straight men are pigs.  Many of them have figured out a very clever way to “accidentally” grab a handful of boob.  Some will rub up against you in a bar, others will pretend to brush something off your shirt.  Some are so bold as to not bother hiding what they’re after and will flat out palm your fun bags.  Said dudes are typically douche bags and should be avoided at all costs – unless you’re into being molested by assholes or are hoping for a free drink.

Biggie Smalls is pretty clever.  When he walks by you he may accidentally rub you with his elbow.  I’ve taken to crossing my arms in front of my chest anytime he walks by me now.

Well guess who got all handsy with me on Saturday?  My secret boyfriend.  Yeah, that’s right.  Pretty bold too since it was in front of his wife.  Yeah, yeah, some might claim it was an accident since I was passing him his newborn daughter when it happened.  Fingertips poking at my knockers.  Suave?  No, not so much.  But I almost dropped his kid and gave him a high five.

He immediately shifted positions and said, “well that’s not working, let’s try something else.”

Was it an accident?  Not in my mind. FINE!  To 95% of the people out there it’s an accident.  When I mentioned it to Biggie Smalls this morning he laughed his ass off and told me I was “an idiot”.  He then offered to show me what it would have been like if the dude had really been after them.  I promptly passed on his kind offer.

I hate it when my secret boyfriends are married and are in love with their new babies.

On the bright side, I did manage to leave his house with an awkward hug, a six pack of beer, and a $50 gift card.  That’s what I get for being so awesome.

8 Responses to “The “Accidental” Booby Touch”

  1. Pkitass July 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

    Seems like you came out a winner

    • Catherinette July 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

      I got felt up AND I walked away with beer. That’s what Charlie Sheen was talking about when he said, “WINNING!”

  2. Dennis Hong July 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

    Alright, I have a question for you then….

    What about the flip side to that? If you’re at a somewhat noisy venue, and a girl leans in to talk to you, is it ever an accident if her boobs just very slightly press against your arm, *and* she just keeps talking, as though she doesn’t even realize it?

    I mean, boobs are sensitive, right? If I can feel them against my arm, she *has* to be able to feel my arm against her boob, right?

    • Catherinette July 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

      Valid point. There are some girls who will try to lure you into touching them by offering them up to you on a silver platter. Many girls know that they’re molesting you with their bits.

    • Dragoness July 10, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

      She could be wearing a padded bra and not be aware of the accidental touch. These bras give extra cushiony comfort and can double as defense against boob touchers! Mind you the extra padding might just attract more boob touchers than before 🙂

  3. Kianna Cambra July 16, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    I agree it most certainly can draw in more attention for the touchers, when a woman wears a padded bra. Yet I love the padded bra. The comfort is great. But frankly, I think the combination of a six pack of beer and a $50…. Well thats worth the “accidental” touch.

  4. Melissa August 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

    Ha, this is hilarious!

    I can say that this is absolutely true – not only from personal experience, but from the many members on GirlsAskGuys who tell the same story – both male AND female. Most of the males complain that “the women only find it offensive when they’re not attracted to the guy.”


    My question – do women do the same? Not so sexual of course, but do you think women like to sneak a touch of a firm chest, hard arms, or a nice booty? Hmmmmm……. 😉


  5. c. September 25, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    Cathrinette, where have you been all my life? (Yes, by ‘all my life’ I mean since the 9th of July). I miss your ever-amusing posts!

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