Archive | 7:31 pm

The “Accidental” Booby Touch

9 Jul

It’s no secret that most straight men are pigs.  Many of them have figured out a very clever way to “accidentally” grab a handful of boob.  Some will rub up against you in a bar, others will pretend to brush something off your shirt.  Some are so bold as to not bother hiding what they’re after and will flat out palm your fun bags.  Said dudes are typically douche bags and should be avoided at all costs – unless you’re into being molested by assholes or are hoping for a free drink.

Biggie Smalls is pretty clever.  When he walks by you he may accidentally rub you with his elbow.  I’ve taken to crossing my arms in front of my chest anytime he walks by me now.

Well guess who got all handsy with me on Saturday?  My secret boyfriend.  Yeah, that’s right.  Pretty bold too since it was in front of his wife.  Yeah, yeah, some might claim it was an accident since I was passing him his newborn daughter when it happened.  Fingertips poking at my knockers.  Suave?  No, not so much.  But I almost dropped his kid and gave him a high five.

He immediately shifted positions and said, “well that’s not working, let’s try something else.”

Was it an accident?  Not in my mind. FINE!  To 95% of the people out there it’s an accident.  When I mentioned it to Biggie Smalls this morning he laughed his ass off and told me I was “an idiot”.  He then offered to show me what it would have been like if the dude had really been after them.  I promptly passed on his kind offer.

I hate it when my secret boyfriends are married and are in love with their new babies.

On the bright side, I did manage to leave his house with an awkward hug, a six pack of beer, and a $50 gift card.  That’s what I get for being so awesome.