I’m Melting

7 Jul

…but not like the Wicked Witch from Wizard of Oz because someone threw a bucket of water on her.  More like because I’m made of sugar and the sweat from all this heat is ruining me.  RUINING ME!

It’s too hot to move.  The act of getting up from my couch and going into the kitchen for another glass of wine is enough to make my sweat glands start acting up.  Not a pretty sight.  May also be that Ryan Reynolds shirtless in Amityville Horror is also triggering some of the heat I’m feeling.  Whatever, I’m blaming that bitch, Mother Nature.

Today is a perfect day to sit around and bitch about the heat all day while catching up on episodes of true crime shows and eating an entire bag of cookies followed by a bag of chips where no one can judge you because only you know what you’re doing.  And showering?  Forget it.  After all, your couch accepts you just the way you are.  Best part?  You can get hammered in the privacy of your own home in the middle of the afternoon and cry during “Beverly Hills Cop” and no one will ever know!

Too damn bad I have to leave the house today…

Why?  You ask.  Because I’m going to spend the afternoon with my secret boyfriend and a pitcher of white sangria.  Awesome!!

If only his wife and month old baby weren’t going to be there.  Damn cock blockers.

3 Responses to “I’m Melting”

  1. suelinhess July 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    Girl, if you’re hot and sweaty now, how’s it going to be when you see your secret boyfriend and you get all hot and bothered?? Maybe y’all should agree to meet at the pool so people won’t be perturbed to see the sheen on your forehead…sending cool thoughts your way!!!!

  2. Catherinette July 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    I would kill myself before ever allowing him to see me in a bathing suit. His wife is like 20 nothing and has a rocking body. I hate her.

  3. fragrantelephant July 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    Shirtless Ryan Reynolds in Amityville Horror is HOT. That is why you were hot.

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