Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

3 Jul

It’s cute how half of you who voted think I’ve been getting it on like Donkey Kong with a doctor.  How amazing would that be?  [insert dirty music here] What lucky chick wouldn’t want to be doing a doctor in a gyno chair at the place of his work??  Dream come true, y’all!  And so now I will tell you all about the fateful first date and what’s happened since then…

Promising start: the plan was to meet at the steps of the Art Museum in Philly, take a walk down by the river, grab a bite to eat a restaurant near the water, and see where the night took us.  I’ll give you a second to swoon.  Go ahead, I know I did.  Cute outfit was chosen, hair looked good, and I was early.  Planted myself at the base of the steps, not too far from the Rocky statue, and prepared myself for what would surely be a fateful night.  And then I saw him.

As he approached I noticed three things: he was wearing man sandals, had dirty khaki pants with a GIANT ink stain on the right leg, and he hadn’t bothered to brush his hair.  “I can look past these things,” I told myself.  As I quickly too inventory I began the checklist of the things that would immediately have to be fixed once we started dating.  Then I noticed the hair on the back of his neck – not because he had long hair, but because it grew up from his back and shoulders.  I swallowed my gag and reminded myself it could all be waxed.

And then he opened his mouth and revealed something I couldn’t have prepared myself for – a freaking god awful lisp. Not the kind that makes it sound like you’re saying TH when you’re saying S, but the kind that makes you sound like Sylvester the cat and makes you spit all over the place.  “Please, God, let this be a joke,” I thought.  Nope.  No joke.  Legit lisp. Not cute.  Not hot.

I did my best to get past it.  I tried to get an awesome vibe from him and imagine what it would be like when we made out.  But his open mouth chewing at dinner, followed by an all out belch fest killed all the plans of our future together.

So, my dear friends, my plans to become the girlfriend of a doctor have fallen flat.  Once again I find myself hanging out on my couch, eating my feelings, and draining the box of wine in my fridge.

Where have I been all this time and what have I been doing?  Not a god damned thing.

How I wish I could tell you that I’ve been up to my ears in hot sex with a spicy hot doctor.  Or out on dates with a spicy fireman.  Or busy gallivanting around town.  Instead I’ve been clearing out the DVR wondering why the hell someone as awesome as I am is still single.

The truth is my amazing rack is going to waste.

7 Responses to “Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”

  1. Chicago-Style Girl July 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    Ugh, that description is my nightmare. Why didn’t his parents get him speech therapy or teach him how to chew with his mouth closed? And for God’s sake, why doesn’t a grown man who constantly sees strangers as part of his job care more about grooming? Ugh.
    I blame the parents. Only if he was raised by wolves do I blame him. And also his co-workers and old classmates. Oh, and the administration at his med school. They’re supposed to talk about grooming and decorum. But mostly, I blame the parents.

  2. AmericanBridget July 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

    Wow. That’s all I really have to say. I mean, wow. Just wow. wow. wow. Is he a brother to Alf from the 80s and has no clue about the homosapien rituals that women who want to be courted desire? Ink stain? Hair growing the wrong effing way? Wow. Dallas is no better, but at least the men here primp to perfection. They just suck at what’s on the inside most of the time.

    Wow. wow. wow.

    You must chronicle more deets about this gawd-awful date. For example, did it last into the wee hours of the night? Was it just a one course meal? Did you ditch his ass after an hour?

  3. Kelleher Professional matchmaking July 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    Wow! This is unfortunate 😦

  4. fragrant elephant July 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

    On the bright side, he did not (a) send your body parts around Canada, or (b) take drugs and chew your face off.

    And no, your fabulous rack is not going to waste. No! It cannot be!

  5. Angel from the Middle East (No, not a terrorist!) July 9, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    Oh Catherinette, thank you for being the (hilarious!) voice of us single ladies everywhere!
    I was out with my single friends the other day, & we were all complaining (as usual) about the absolute lack of decent guys out there. There are douches & as$holes & psychos & freaks & everything in between. But good guys, even halfway decent ones, seem to have become extinct.
    We all agreed that it’s a tragedy that us awesome ladies are still single, & we’re looking into becoming lesbians if you want in! 😉
    But don’t you think it’s always more tragic to be single when you have a great rack? I (as the owner of a truly splendid rack) try to explain to my boob-deficient friends what a daily waste it feels like – having such amazing knockers with nobody to appreciate them!
    I adore your blog ❤

  6. Red July 22, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    I once went out with a guy who showed up in faded. rolled-up jeans, a nondescript long-sleeved shirt, and black Teva sandals _with socks_! Which were either navy or had once been black and faded. It would have been a crime against fashion in any case, but there was SNOW FALLING! Nothing else was obviously wrong with him, however, and I was rebounding. So I would actually have gone out with him again. Except he didn’t ask. I didn’t exactly crying over that one.

    The cruelest thing about dating is that before you start doing it, you get the impression it’s supposed to be fun. I’m sorry for you and your rack, babe. I really am.

  7. justine November 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

    Best story on the internet. I laughed so hard I spit water all over the presentation I am suppose to be working on. Instead I am going to keep reading your blog because you are hilarious.

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