Archive | 10:02 pm

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

3 Jul

It’s cute how half of you who voted think I’ve been getting it on like Donkey Kong with a doctor.  How amazing would that be?  [insert dirty music here] What lucky chick wouldn’t want to be doing a doctor in a gyno chair at the place of his work??  Dream come true, y’all!  And so now I will tell you all about the fateful first date and what’s happened since then…

Promising start: the plan was to meet at the steps of the Art Museum in Philly, take a walk down by the river, grab a bite to eat a restaurant near the water, and see where the night took us.  I’ll give you a second to swoon.  Go ahead, I know I did.  Cute outfit was chosen, hair looked good, and I was early.  Planted myself at the base of the steps, not too far from the Rocky statue, and prepared myself for what would surely be a fateful night.  And then I saw him.

As he approached I noticed three things: he was wearing man sandals, had dirty khaki pants with a GIANT ink stain on the right leg, and he hadn’t bothered to brush his hair.  “I can look past these things,” I told myself.  As I quickly too inventory I began the checklist of the things that would immediately have to be fixed once we started dating.  Then I noticed the hair on the back of his neck – not because he had long hair, but because it grew up from his back and shoulders.  I swallowed my gag and reminded myself it could all be waxed.

And then he opened his mouth and revealed something I couldn’t have prepared myself for – a freaking god awful lisp. Not the kind that makes it sound like you’re saying TH when you’re saying S, but the kind that makes you sound like Sylvester the cat and makes you spit all over the place.  “Please, God, let this be a joke,” I thought.  Nope.  No joke.  Legit lisp. Not cute.  Not hot.

I did my best to get past it.  I tried to get an awesome vibe from him and imagine what it would be like when we made out.  But his open mouth chewing at dinner, followed by an all out belch fest killed all the plans of our future together.

So, my dear friends, my plans to become the girlfriend of a doctor have fallen flat.  Once again I find myself hanging out on my couch, eating my feelings, and draining the box of wine in my fridge.

Where have I been all this time and what have I been doing?  Not a god damned thing.

How I wish I could tell you that I’ve been up to my ears in hot sex with a spicy hot doctor.  Or out on dates with a spicy fireman.  Or busy gallivanting around town.  Instead I’ve been clearing out the DVR wondering why the hell someone as awesome as I am is still single.

The truth is my amazing rack is going to waste.