Archive | 10:06 pm

You, Sir, Are a Major A-hole

23 May

Jesus Harold Christ!  What the hell is wrong with people??  FOR THE LOVE!!

Sure, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m PMSing.  OR maybe it has something to do with people being assholes.

So get this.  Being the stupid idiot that I am I decided to put my dating profile back on the interwebs.  Why?  Because my ovaries cry for a baby.  That’s another story for another day.  Anyway, this time around I’ve decided to respond to they bulk of messages, even if it’s to tell them we’re not compatible.

This evening a dude with a stupid username, let’s call him DOUCHEBAG777 sent me a message.  First red flag?  The fact that the only pic on his profile is about his chest.  Second red flag?  The fact that there are so many spelling errors on his profile?  Third red flag?  The fact that we have very little in common.  For example:

  • He is a racist, I am not.
  • He is a homophobe, I am not.
  • He is a sexist, I am a woman.
  • He’s looking for a short term relationship with a woman with low self esteem, I want to punch him in the mouth even though I don’t know what his face looks like
  • He’s looking for girls anywhere from 22-45, I’m looking for dudes 34-44 and he is 52
  • He is a douche, I am not

I wrote back and said thank you for the message, I took a look at his profile and it doesn’t look like we have much in common, then I wrote, “good luck with your search.”  Usually dudes don’t respond, or the write back and say “you too.”  This guy?  He got pissed and wrote, “You’re so rude!  You didn’t even answer my question.  I asked you why you moved.”

Dear DOUCHEBAG777, it’s no wonder you’re single.  You dick.

Because I’m 12

23 May

It’s no surprise to you that I snicker at stupid and immature stuff all the time.  Most of the day it requires tremendous effort on my part not to yell “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” any time someone makes an inadvertent sexual comment.  I’ll be honest.  Sometimes I can’t control myself.

For example, in my monthly meeting with my boss the other day, she was talking about ways I could improve at work and how I could set myself apart from the rest of my peers and distinguish myself.  At the end of her suggestions, she added, “those are some things you can do to get on top.  Trust me.  Being on top feels great.”  I mean really.  How can you expect me to not say anything with that??  She basically laid it out for me for God’s sake (just like your mom).

Last night I went to a yoga class for the first time in a year.  For the bulk of the time I was busy silently cursing the instructor because he was one of those militant yoga teachers.  Yoga is supposed to be about mind and body and listening to what your body tells you.  You’re not supposed to force yourself into positions if they cause pain (that’s what she said) – guess he missed that day in yoga teacher school.  Man, it was brutal.  I hated the whole entire class, right up until the moment when the girl across from me farted.  Full on farted.

Picture it.  The room is quiet, there’s some low yoga-ish music playing in the background.  We’re all trying to force ourselves into poses.  We’re in two lines, so the people in front of me are facing me.  And suddenly the silence is broken with a giant fart.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to hold a yoga pose when you’re trying not to laugh?