Archive | 12:35 pm

I missed my chance

20 May

It’s been a full year since I found someone I was interested in being with.  I’ve known him for over a year now, and when I first met him I thought, “no way.”  Here we are a year later and I want to have him for myself.  There’s something about him.  He’s definitely not my type – are they ever?  Maybe it’s that he’s broken.  Maybe it’s that he pays attention to me.  I don’t know.  He flirted with me from the beginning, and perhaps I read into the flirting more than I should have.

We’ve talked about how we’re both so insecure, in different ways.  He’s someone who feels he needs to be with someone because he doesn’t want to feel like a loser.  I’d rather be alone so I don’t get left.  At first I thought, “why would I want to be with someone like that”?  I’d be afraid that if we got involved he’d reach a point where he wanted out but he was too chicken shit to say the words.

He finally broke up with his girlfriend, and about two months ago he invited me to go to Cancun with him.  I couldn’t go because I was locked into plans on one of those days.  But since the invite something changed for me and I started liking him.  I REALLY like him.  Like want him to myself like him.  I kind of thought he liked me that way too.  He kicked it up a notch in the last month, and both times I saw him he was kind of handsy.  He said things to me – and maybe he was joking, I don’t know.

Then there were conversations of what it would have been like if we had gone to Mexico together.  Perhaps I’m reading more into it than I should.  I know he’d sleep with me given a chance, but I want more than that.  I thought with more time something would unfold, but I was wrong.

He’s scheduled to come back from Mexico today, and this morning I found out he took someone else with him.  She was fifth on his list and a last minute thing, but he took her.  And I know based on our conversations he would take someone he wanted to sleep with.  So he has.  And I’m left in the dust.

I hate this feeling.  It’s so rare for me to find someone I want to be with, and I hate when it’s not reciprocated.  It makes me feel so awful about myself.  It’s so lonely.  So I’m sitting in my fucking pajamas on a beautiful day and all I want to do is cry.  Not so much over him as about how worthless I feel in this moment.  I’m royally bummed about wondering what it would have been like, but I’m more sad over how I feel about myself.