Archive | February, 2012

My Mom is so Cute When She Does Stupid Things

25 Feb


This morning my mom called me to announce she was very excited with her latest purchase.  She is absolutely obsessed with PBS’s “Downton Abbey”.  So obsessed that if anyone calls her when it’s on TV (even in repeats) she answers the phone only to tell you she can’t talk to you right no.  Every other world out of her mouth on “Downton Abbey” Days is “Mary this” and “Matthew that”.  If there was a rehab we could send her, we totally would.

So it was no surprise when she announced today she had purchased the UK version of “Downton Abbey” on DVD.  After all, she loves the show.  One problem: she doesn’t have a DVD player.  None at all.  The conversation went like this:

  • Mom: Guess what?  I bought Downton Abbey on DVD!
  • Me: Good for you.  But you already saw all the shows.
  • Mom: I know, but I bought the UK version and I heard it’s different.
  • Me: Well, it’s the same show so I don’t think it will be very different.
  • Mom: I can’t wait to watch it.  I just need to figure out how.
  • Me: What do you mean?
  • Mom: I don’t have a DVD player.
  • Me: Wait.  What?
  • Mom: I don’t have a DVD player.
  • Me: So you mean to tell me you went out and spent $45 on DVDs you can’t even play?
  • Mom: But I really like the show.

Now she has to go out and get herself a Blu Ray player.

You’re special, mom.  Really special.

Maybe next time she’ll get herself a pool raft for the pool she doesn’t own.


Just the Tip Tuesday (02/07/12)

7 Feb

Are you watching it??  Are you watching “The Voice” on NBC?  Because you totally should be. Look, I’m sick of stupid singing competitions.  “American Idol” has been dead since the second season.  Last time there was a good show was God knows how many years ago when Tommy Lee had that “Rockstar Supernova” show.  Amazing.

Let me tell you why it’s awesome: first, the people can sing; second, the judges have witty banter.  But most importantly, if you’re bored, you can just imagine yourself in the middle of an Adam Levine/Blake Shelton sandwich.

There is a downfall to watching.  You’ll inevitably catch a glance of Ceelo Green’s tiny baby girl hands and get creeped out, but trust me, it’s worth that icky shiver.  Blake and Adam will make it all feel better.


2 Feb






And also, YES!

People of the interwebs, a most delightful thing just happened.  An old friend of mine just sent me a friend request on facebook.  Okay, so not really an old friend, but this dude who was my intern many years ago.  Back when he was like 23 and smoking hot and I was like 30.  This boy’s body was smoking hot AND he was hilarious.  Sadly he was also engaged and then married to a very young and cute lady.

When he was my intern we used to go to the gym and work out together.  My absolute favorite was when he would ride the stationary bike while I was on the treadmill.  The way his shirt stretched across his back and his pants covered his ass…so damn dreamy.  His ass was so tight you could bounce quarters off of it.  Typically the last thing I notice on a guy is his ass, but his was magical.  I think it’s actually made out of unicorn horns, but don’t quote me on that.

BUT, fast forward 8 years and guess who isn’t married anymore?  Better still, he’s STILL got a smoking hot body!

Hurray!  I love a hot piece of ass!!  WINNING!  YAY!

Just the Tip Tuesday (02/01/12)

1 Feb

Go ahead. Admit a British accent makes you swoon. I know it does. It works on me too. If an IRS auditor came to my door to tell me I was going to be audited I’d cream my pants if he said it in an English accent. It would happen. You could tell me anything you wanted, and as long as the dude delivering it has an accent, I’d swoon a tad. Unless it was Rick Santorum talking. I don’t care what his voice sounds like, I’d like to kick him straight in the nuts. What a total rectum.

You can also go ahead and admit you’re just as obsessed with “Downton Abbey” as I am. Amazing show. Amazing. Who would have thought that PBS could put on a show that rivals “True Blood”…only without all the sex and the vampires and nudity. Watching the show makes me want to live during that time, and at the same time makes me thankful I didn’t live back then. You know what that would mean? That I’d still be a freaking virgin. At 38 I’d be an old maid. Not to say I’m not one now, but at least I’ve seen a series of naked men.

This week’s JTT is a special shout out to everyone’s new Lloyd Dobler: cousin Matthew Crawley (so beautifully played by Dan Stevens).

I swear to Christ he gets hotter and hotter every single episode. I’d like to climb all over him, stare into his dreamy blue eyes, and act all chaste. Though I guess it’s not very chaste if I climb all over him. Damn it.

My First Date of 2012

1 Feb

I know you’ve all been eagerly awaiting my recap of my big date on Sunday.  I can tell by the way no one emailed me or posted any comments.  Nice, really nice.  Remember, years ago when you used to visit and email me and ask me stuff?  What ever happened to that?  Why you no love me no more?  Why?

In a single sentence I can sum up my date with this question: this is why I showered today?

He’s a nice guy.  Absolutely hilarious AND gainfully employed.  He has his shit together, owns a house, says nice thing about his family, and is fun to hang out with.  Average looking guy, and tiny enough I could fit him into my pocket and feed him peanuts while baby-talking to him during a movie.  Sadly, he’s too petite for me.  Too small.  I’m 5’8″, he’s 5’6″ if he stands on his tip toes.  I felt like he had stopped growing when he turned 13, and was stuck at that awkward skinny/small stage.

What can I say?  There were no bells.  There were no whistles.  Butterflies were nowhere to be found.  I saw no stars.  I felt no tingles.  I wish I could tell you he made my toes curl, or I couldn’t wait to see him again, or we made out for hours and it was like magic.  I’m afraid I can’t.

We had a nice time, he made me laugh, but the whole time I was thinking, “I do not want to make out with this dude.  Who can I set him up with?”  That does not bode well.

So, my dears, it looks like this singleton is going to remain single for awhile longer.

I’ll add this to my dating fail list.