Nothing makes my day like having lunch with a hot mess. There’s something so sigh-worthy about meeting someone who is clearly more messed up than you. It’s a way to validate that we’re not as crazy as we think, and gives us the chance to be thankful for what we have.
This afternoon I had lunch with a new friend of mine, and all I could think was, “this chick is a train wreck and I can’t wait to go home and blog about it.” You can’t begin to imagine how difficult it was to stay rooted in my seat and command myself not to roll my eyes. Maintaining my eyes in a fixed position was physically painful, I still have a headache. This was hard, people. Harder than turning down a free drink from George Clooney. That hard. I was riveted by her stupid stories, and appalled at her low self esteem all at the same time. It was amazing.
I haven’t known her for very long, but she seemed nice and funny enough. I know a few dudes at work who can’t stand her and think she’s too emotionally needy. Instead of taking that as a big fat red flag, I chalked it all up to them being dudes. Christ, they were so right. I can’t wait to talk about her behind her back tomorrow at work. It’ll be magical.
She’s completely hung up on this dude who broke up with her. The break up happened over five months ago, and she is still reduced to tears when she talks about him. Total mess. Crazy part? They dated for seven weeks. She’s been mourning the relationship longer than it actually lasted. She told me she ran into him at a happy hour last Wednesday, and when he ignored her, she proceeded to run to the bathroom and sob uncontrollably. Heaving sighs, mascara running down her face, saliva dripping from her mouth hysterical. Her friends had to rescue her, dry her eyes and tell her to get it together. Instead of leaving, she did what any stupid idiot would do, got completely bombed and then confronted him. 90 minutes, 2 Jaeger shots, and 3 beers later she cornered him, told him she still loved him, started crying and begged him for another chance. You can imagine how that ended.
So she’s sitting across the table from me telling me this story and all I could think to myself was, “how does this girls make it through the day without slapping herself for being so incredibly stupid.” She actually teared up when she recounted the story and I had to talk her down from crying.
She then went totally bipolar on me and told me how excited she was because she found out an old boyfriend of hers was going to be in town. A college boyfriend who was the best sex she had ever had. She was SUPER excited to see him. I asked her why things hadn’t worked out and she told me because he was a total asshole, and he didn’t want a relationship with her. She made herself available to him (or she made her vagina available to him), he’d fuck her, and then he’d end up dating other girls. Meanwhile, she’d wait around for him to “see the light” and realize she was the one for him. Look, I’ve been there too, but it’s been a good 10 years since I deluded myself with that story. Fact: if the dude is fucking you but not committing to you, he will NEVER commit to you. The only thing he wants from you is your vagina.
I played it all calm and asked her how it had come about that they would see each other. So she proceeded to tell me they had been messaging back and forth on facebook and that’s how she knew. “Oh! I have the messages right here. I’ll read you the chain!” Goody, I was psyched.
- Him: [Facebook status update] I’m going to be in town from Feb. 15-25th. Hit me up if you want to get together.
- Her: [via private Facebook message] I’d love to see you! It’s been way too long. Let’s definitely make plans to see each other so we can catch up. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
- Him: Hey, you! I’ll see what I can do. Might not be able to make it, but will let you know.
She was sure that he meant he’d clear his schedule. To me that translates into, “I’ll visit your vagina if I can’t come up with anything better to do.”