Archive | 8:22 pm
Status

FACT

24 Jan

I am totally hammered right now.

It’s not even 8:00 on a Tuesday evening.  I am amazing and awesome.

Things I Will Never Do

24 Jan

We all have our limits.  Some people just say no to, like having anal sex with married strangers, others say no to getting on an airplane.  Whatever, to each his or her own.

For me, I have specific no-no’s.  Here’s my list, cuz I know you totally care.

  • Anal:  I will NOT do it.  You can’t make me.  When I was dating 3D he used to try to talk me into it, mainly because I was so turned off by it.  Several times we made bets where if I had lost I would have had to put out the butt hole.  I, however, was smart and only took the bets when I knew I would win.  At 38 I’ve made it without it, I can easily make it the rest of my life without it.
  • Shopping at Wal-mart.  I have a college degree and a pretty good salary.  I don’t care how much cheaper something is at Wal-mart, you cannot make me shop there.  Just pulling into the parking lot makes me want to vomit.  Ever notice that no matter how new the Wal-mart is it always looks dirty and there’s merchandise all over the floor?  No thank you, I pass.
  • Eating oysters.  It’s like swallowing someone else’s cold loogie or a was of cold splooge.  No.
  • Dating a dude with a choker.  If he’s wearing a choker, there’s something wrong with him.  Especially as you get nearer to my age.  Name one hot dude close to 38 who wears a choker ON PURPOSE without getting paid for it.  You can’t, because such a man doesn’t exist.

Now you.  I want to know what you won’t do.  Go.