Archive | 2:58 pm

Be Still, My Teenage Heart

21 Jan

Twilight is one of the stupidest franchises in the history of ever.  I hate everything about it.  Everything.  I tried to get into it, I really did.  Love the whole Vampire thing.  “True Blood” is one of my favorite shows, I rarely miss an episode.  The first “Underworld” movie is one of those that I could sit through over and over again.  So when I heard about “Twilight” I thought I’d give it a shot.  Yes, I knew it had been written for teenagers, but I had read and loved the entire “Harry Potter” series and loved every single word.

Here’s the problem with Twilight: it’s written from the point of view of a whiny teenager who just mopes around.  Nothing happens in the first part of the book.  Nothing.  A friend of mine had read it and loved it and I kept asking her, “when does it start getting good.”  She should have said, “never” because that would have been the right answer.  As soon as I got to the part where his skin is glittering in sunlight when they’re in a meadow, I shut the book and though, “Fuck this, I’m out.”

Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer, you write drivel.  Also, your name is spelled wrong.

My inner teenager died a little with that whole Twilight thing.  It cried, and then committed suicide for having been exposed to it.  The last thing I ever expected was to give another shot to stuff intended for a much young audience.  Yeah, yeah, I know I have an unnatural fascination with Big Time Rush (I blame my nephew).  And it’s not like I’m buying concert tickets and putting posters of Logan Henderson on my wall.

You can imagine my delight when a friend of mine recommended The Hunger Games, and I took her advice.  Obsessed.  Totally obsessed.  Yes, it’s totally like a teenage version of The Running Man, but who the hell cares.  Peeta Mellark is in it and I heart him.  You can bet your sweet ass I’m going to buy myself a mockingjay pin and I’ll see the movies when they hit the theaters.

You can also bet your ass that I’m totally team Peeta and I think Josh Hutcherson is a tiny dreamboat.

Yours, Mrs. Peeta Mellark.


This is What I Look Like on Saturday Night

21 Jan

Depeche Mode, Jersey Belle, Oingo Boingo, and South Philly Fashionista can totally attest to the fact that this is what I looked like after inhaling far too much tequila that time we went to Mexico together.  This baby nailed the performance, she deserves a baby Academy Award on your toy shelf.

I wept when I saw this.  Actually wept.  I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard since my sister told me a little story about a conversation between 5 year old Lucy(fer) and 7 year old Damien.  The whole fam was in the car and the song “Pumped up Kicks” was playing on the radio.  A song which I introduced the kids to, even though it’s about a shooting. It’s got a catchy tune and I figured they wouldn’t know what it was about.

  • Lucy(fer): Why do the kids in the pumped up kids gotta run gotta run?
  • Damien: [straight faced] To outrun my gun, faster than my bullet.

For some reason, imaging them in strapped into their car seats having this conversation made me laugh.  I have problems.  I know.