Archive | 9:58 am

What’s Your Status?

4 Jan

How I love Facebook.  I LOVE IT!  Can you hear me??  I LOVE FACEBOOK!  If I could, I would marry it in a simple ceremony by the sea, surrounded by my closest friends and family.  Then, after a year or two of wedded bliss, we’d start a family and I’d have little Facebook babies.

Last night I got a phone call from Un-boyfriend.  He was calling me to gossip – something he rarely does.  In fact, in the 14+ years I’ve known him, I think he’s only done that a handful of times.  He wanted to know what had happened to an old friend of us, the peppiest girl on the planet.  Apparently her marriage had fallen apart and she had played the whole thing out on her Facebook wall.  Clearly there was only one thing for me to do: friend her immediately.

Within three minutes of sending it, she accepted my friend request.  Two minutes later I began looking at her Facebook wall.  It’s amazing.  AMAZING!  She has a new boyfriend and is planning on moving to North Carolina to be with him.  According to her status updates, the divorce with her now ex-husband was pretty ugly and she had to have witnesses testify in court.  There were three witnesses who were on her side.  And the judge ruled in her favor.  He was the coldest man on earth.  How do I know?  She wrote it on Facebook.

I love it when people over share.  Yes it’s true I hate reading about people’s kids (unless the kids are bad or funny), their beliefs on God, how grumpy they are, how much they hate work, their cleaning habits, or any time anyone writes “LOL.”  But when people air their dirty laundry, it makes my heart sing.  It’s amazing.  I spent a good hour scrolling through all her posts so I could see all the stupid drama.  Wonderful way to spend a Tuesday night.

Unfortunately, her posts about the ugly divorce were spread all over and I was forced to endure her peppy posts about hope, love, energy, blah, blah, gag.  I hate it when people write that type of shit.  Imagine a friend who’s status updates look like:

Good morning, Monday! I’m ready for you.  Bring it!

Or

For the first time in a long time I have my Jenny-Jen mojo back!!! Look out, world, I’m coming for you!!!! Yipeeeeee!!!!!

Or

Ready for all the adventures bring this weekend cuz I’m going to be with my sweetie!!!!!

Did you vomit?  You wanted to.  Didn’t you?  you can admit it.  Want to know what’s even worse?  There was an exchange where one of her friends invited her over for dinner, but she was unable to attend.  She actually wrote, “crap-a-doo”.  She wrote that.  She WROTE that!  A grown woman wrote “crap-a-doo”.

For the love of the baby Jesus in the manger, promise me you’ll never do that.