Archive | 9:54 pm

I want one of these right this second

2 Jan


2 Jan

There’s some fucking douchebag parked outside my house with the bass in his car cranked up.  My whole house is shaking and it sounds like there’s a rattling in my head.  It’s so fucking terrible I actually threw off my snuggie, got up off the couch, and peered out the window in hopes he would see me glaring at him.

Living in Baltimore for 20+ years it was something I was use to.  Inevitably some asshole would pull up next to me or behind me with his stereo blaring.  For a minute or so I would have to endure the earthquakes set off by his car.  All while telling myself not to look over and send him a death stare because he’d probably take a gun out and kill me.  These are the thoughts you have when you live in the city that brought you “The Wire”.  That shit is real, yo.

I’ve never understood why someone would want to crank up a stereo so loud it made their ears bleed and their insides rattle.  I get the allure of loud music, I like it, but I don’t like it so loud it hurts me.  What’s the point?  That’s not enjoyable.  That’s just stupid.  My mom the shrink says people do it because it’s a sign of aggression and dominance.  They’re basically saying, “I can play my music as loud as I want, and I don’t care if it bothers you.”  I think it’s a sign of douche bagedness.  Frankly, you’re an asshole if you do that.  Have a little respect for the people around you, asshole.

In fact, you’re a stupid asshole.  What are you going to do in 20 years when you can’t hear anymore because you spent too much time BLARING music in your youth?  Explain that to your kids.  And what will you do when your music tastes change?  I can’t imagine you’ll be cranking up the volume when your kids are listening to the latest and greatest and you’re listening to the sweet sweet sounds of Conway Twitty.

Do yourself a favor and turn that shit down.

Vacation: Day 16

2 Jan

What day is it?  Is it Monday or Tuesday?  Or is it Sunday?

I could get used to this whole staying in pajamas all day and not knowing what day it is.  There’s a lot of TV that needs to be watched, a lot of friends to lunch with, a lot of naps to take, and a whole lot of showering to avoid.  Sixteen days of it, and I’m still not sick of it.  I just want to stay wrapped up in my pink snuggie from here to eternity.  Though it would be nice if I could find someone to bring me some coffee.  Having to get up off the couch ruins this whole “sloth” thing I have going on right now.  I’d like to be so sedentary I start to grow mold.

Sadly, my life as an unmarried housewife ends tomorrow.  Back to work.  Back to cubicle world and stupid planning meetings and Folgers dreamily staring at me.  It’s hard having a poor sob fawn all over you.  It’s hard and sad when the dude is married, has two kids, hates his life, and has no direction.  It’s hard, sad, and annoying that we’re now on the same team and will have to work on EVERY single project together.  Wonder if he’ll start crying at work (again), or getting all depressed when I start telling him about all the horrible dates I’ll be going on once my stupid online dating account is reactivated.  God he has a lot of feelings.  He is more of a woman than 3D ever was.  At least 3D has a hot body and big dick to counterbalance his femaleness.  Folgers has a pair of man titties and a beer belly.  Woe is me!  WOE!

What that does that even mean?  Where does “woe is me” come from?

And this is how I’ve been filling my day.  Coming up with stupid questions which I can answer on the interwebs.

If’ you’ll excuse me, I now have to go research “woe is me”.

Enjoy your Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or whatever it is today.