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I Resolve to be Less of a Stupid Whore in 2012

31 Dec

Yesterday, while being all fancy and shit in Pastis in New York City, I overheard a conversation two young women were having. Pastis is the type of place that is so crowded with tables that you can’t help overhear what’s going on next to you. Especially since you’re practically sitting on the laps of the people at the next table. It’s a great place! Unless you have to squeeze between two tables to get to the booth – I was sure my fat ass was going to knock over someone’s water glass.

But I digress.

So these two trendy 20-somethings, with their workout clothes, and purposely messy ponytails were talking about dating. The blond slut was telling the brunette slut about how she had knocked boots with this dude AGAIN! This was the fourth time they had gotten together. The first time was in the bathroom at a party, the second time was at his place, the third was in the back of his car, and the latest time was at her house. Klassy rich girls. Blond girl wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but she was okay with where they were. That’s when brunette slut asked, “is he still with his girlfriend?”

Then I nearly choked on my water.

Blond slut said, “oh yeah, they’re still together. He was telling me that he’s thinking about asking her to marry him. He’s not quite ready yet, but he thinks it’ll go there.”

I stared straight ahead and forced myself not to turn and stare at them.

Brunette slut said she didn’t care that he had a girlfriend, and that she would totally do the same thing. She said she had no moral obligations to a dude’s girlfriend. They then talked about how one of them had been cheated on before, and how weird it was that they were on the other side now. This is right around the time I wanted to hit them both.

Then THEN THEN! Then the blond slut said she thought she was starting to develop feelings for him. Let me remind you she’s developing feelings (not of rage or nausea) for a dude she fucked in the bathroom who has a girlfriend. “You know what I really like about him? I like how honest he is.” She actually said that. Um, yeah, he’s not honest. He’s fucking someone behind his girlfriend’s back, that’s what I like to call “lying” and “deceitful” and “shitty”. She knew she had to stop sleeping with him, so her plan is to start dating one of his friends so she can still see him from time to time.

Why? Why on God’s green earth are women so stupid? WHY?

Look, I’ll be honest here – I’ve hooked up with dudes who have other girlfriends. I’ve thought things like the blond and brunette slut. But not in a long time. I don’t believe that a guy who cheats on his girlfriend is honest. I don’t believe he’s a good person. He’s an asshole. If he was anything other than a selfish prick he would either not cheat, or break up with the girlfriend. We delude ourselves into thinking this guy is meant to be ours when he’s with someone else, or that the girlfriend is a bitch, or that what we’re doing is okay. We’re just putting ourselves in a situation where we’re going to end up getting hurt AND feeling like a total fucking asshole to boot.

I say fuck that. Fuck it right in the pooper.

No thanks. Look, go out there and whore your life away in 2012. Go forth and suck all the dicks you could possibly want to suck. Just do yourself a favor before you do it, make sure someone else isn’t sucking that dick too.

Happy New Year!