The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 2

19 Dec

When we last off, my uncle had just gotten out of jail and had met my aunt.  At 27, lord only knows where he found a 16 year old willing to date him.  She was a beautiful girl, and I can’t imagine what on God’s green earth she saw in my uncle.  Then again, we’ve all made mistakes and found ourselves dating giant assholes.  Sadly for her, she became Victim #3 in a parade of women.  She didn’t care that he had been married, or that he had been a bigomist, or that he had two children (he had a child with victim #2) whom he had never met.  She was in love.  And she was fucking retarded.  God would I love to be able to travel back in time and slap the stupid out of her, or at least try to talk sense into her parents.  Why would they let a teenager marry someone 11 years older than she was?  What the hell kind of parents were they?

Anyway, whatever.  For a time, they lived really well.  She’s a well known artist in Mexico, and he became a well known urosurgeon in Mexico.  They found themselves surrounded by like minds, and were considered first class citizens.  Visiting their house as a child I remember being in awe at the size of the house, and all of the waitstaff.  They had more money than they knew what to do with.  They had three children, two girls, and a boy (the youngest).  After about 20 years of marriage, they decided it was time to build a house…a six story house on the side of a mountain.  This house is easily the most incredible house I’ve ever seen.  Eight bedrooms, a servants quarters, a library, an art studio, offices, tennis courts, etc.  And all of the rooms have an amazing view of Mexico City. Unbelievable house.  They threw crazy insane parties and ran in circles with celebrities and politicians.  At one point it was even rumored my aunt was having a fling with the president’s father.

It all looked nice and happy from the outside.  But the relationships in the house were a hot mess.  My uncle cheated on my aunt all the time.  All the time.  Why she stayed with him I’ll never understand.  He fathered about eight children while he was married to my aunt, and she tolerated it.  Sure, there were fights.  Crazy fights.  My aunt caught my uncle with one of his nurses one time.  So she went ahead and threatened them at gunpoint.  How he talked himself out of that, I’ll never understand.  A few years later, when my aunt found out he was having another affair, she chased him through the house with a knife – in front of the kids.  My cousin, who was 11 at the time, had to knock her down and take the knife away from her.

That marriage, that house was a fucking nightmare.

Looking back there was always weird shit going on.  I remember the fights my aunt would have with my oldest cousin.  Fights like I’ve never heard.  They would break shit, my aunt would slap my cousin across the mouth and tell her she hated her.  Stuff I’ve never seen – except for on a Lifetime movie.  Whatevs, they were crazy.  And crazy rich.  Which is part of the reason they looked down on us.  It didn’t matter that my sister and I were being raised by two doctors, went to private schools, each got cars on our 16 birthdays, etc.  We weren’t connected with famous people and just weren’t like they were.  In their eyes, we weren’t the same.  Recently a book came out about drug trafficking in Mexico.  My aunt is named in the book as someone who helped launder money for the drug cartels.  It makes sense and explains a lot of the money they had and the people they surrounded themselves with.  My mother asked my uncle about it, and he said, “You don’t need to trouble yourself with that.”  It sickens me to know that I was probably in the house with some of those people.  They are disgusting human beings.

But anyway…

Twenty plus years of married, three legitimate children, eight illegitimate children, lord knows how many affairs, two beautiful houses, fights at gun and knife point, and my aunt finally decides to call it quits.  The straw that broke the camel’s back?  When my aunt found out he had been having an affair with a woman who was one year younger than their oldest daughter.  He had set her up in an apartment, he would take her on trips, and (get ready) they were related.

Stay tuned to find out if you can marry your family members in Mexico!

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5 Responses to “The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 2”

  1. Teri Tighe December 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

    Jesus H. Christ, this is better than a soap opera.

  2. Pkitass December 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    So where can I purchase your uncles books?

  3. Lisa December 20, 2011 at 12:28 am #

    Happy to see that I’m not the only one who has familial horror/shame stories that most can’t comprehend! Just goes to show, you don’t have to be white, to be considered trash! Although CS, both of us turned out way better than our so called “White Sheep”. I’m a black sheep, and I own it!

    Can’t wait for the third installment. Makes me all nostalgic and shit!! 😉

  4. skylers dad December 20, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

    This is just amazing. I am more and more happy for my simple, poor upbringing all the time.

  5. Chicago-Style Girl December 21, 2011 at 4:04 am #

    OMG!! This story is crazy! Drug cartels, money laundering, 8 illegitimate children?! I feel like calling every crazy family member I have and thanking them for moderation.

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