Archive | 12:57 pm

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Face of the Planet: Part 1

18 Dec

Never in my life have I met a bigger douche bag than my uncle.  He is, by far, the most horrible person on the planet.  For really reals.  I’m not even exaggerating a little bit.  For as long as I can remember, I thought he was a dick – even before I knew what it meant to be a dick.  Picture me as a 3 year old, hair in pig tails, surrounded by dolls, and my uncle comes over to tell me that I’m almost as cute as his daughters.  And I just smiled, dimples and all, and thought, “Wow.  What a fucking dick.”  It happened.

This morning my mom called me to tell me what he did – the ultimate dick move, but before I tell you what he did, let me back this train up so we can work up to the pinnacle of his douche-ness.  This story has all the good stuff: cheating, bigamy, incest, more cheating, illegitimate children, and a wake of broken women.

My grandmother was 16 when she had him – she was a single mother.  When she was 15 she fell in love with a doctor, and they were married, or so she thought.  A friend of his officiated.  Two weeks later, her mother went to her house to break the news – her new groom was married to another woman.  Heartbroken, she left and moved back in with her parents.  She was pregnant with my uncle.  My uncle is 9 years older than my mother, and he was the apple of my grandmother’s eye.  He could do no wrong, and as far as she was concerned, he was the messiah.  He was the first to go to college, and ended up in med school.

As a medical student, he met the woman who would become his first wife.  We’ll call her Victim #1.  After a brief courtship, they married.  She was completely in love with him, and tolerated it when he cheated on her.  After all, when they had met he had been in another relationship.  When she became pregnant with his first child (so far as he knew), he promptly left her.  Just walked out.

Shortly after leaving here, he began dating Victim #2.  After a brief courtship, she ended up with child, so he decided to marry her.  Well, you can imagine Victim #1’s surprise when she found he had gone off and married Victim #2, especially since he hadn’t bothered to divorce her first.  That’s right, my friends, my uncle is a bigamist.  Just as any shunned woman would do, Victim #1 took action and reported him to the cops.  He was arrested, and ended up in jail.  My grandmother swallowed her pride, tracked down his father, and begged him to help get him released from jail.  Mind you, my uncle’s father had never met my uncle and my grandmother hadn’t seen him since she had left him at 15.  After a few days in jail, he walked away.  Victim #1 granted him a divorce, and victim #2 annulled the marriage.

Did he care that he had hurt anyone?  No.  He was just happy to be free.

Then he met my aunt.  He was 26.  She was 16.

Stay tuned to part 2!  There are knife chases, more cheating, and incest!