I have found the male version of Debbie Downer. He’s somewhat younger than she is and has better hair, but he knows how to suck the joy out of just about every single situation. Best part? We’re working on a MASSIVE project together. This means hours of weekly meetings, and side-by-side shit with him. At least two hours of my day are spent sitting next to this massive black hole of a person. He rarely smiles. If he does, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s just figured out how to ruin someone’s day.
Our meetings tend to go like this:
- Me: What do you think of the idea?
- Dude #1: Love it!
- Dude #2: Let’s do it!
- Male Debbie Downer: I don’t like it.
Then we have to spend another 30 minutes going over in circles until we can get him to say, “Fine. Just do it.” He sucks.
Part of me is intrigued and wants to find out why he’s such a miserable prick. We had a lengthy conversation one afternoon where I peppered him with questions. Turns out Miserable Prick lives alone and has a cat. A cat called Gilbert. Gilbert! Who the hell names their cat Gilbert? Miserable Prick, that’s who. Gilbert is a biter, he likes to just saunter up to Miserable Prick and bite him. My guess it’s because the cat is sick of his shit too.
Here’s the thing: living alone with a cat named Gilbert who bites would make anyone miserable. But I know what the real reason he’s such a dick is: he’s never been laid. Never touched a female breast. Never seen vajean. Never had his knob slobbered on. That’s sad. That’s really sad. Did he tell me this? No. But I just fucking know it.
There’s no other reason. There can’t fucking be. This dude has got to get laid.
If only I could hook him up with Debbie Downer. the world would be a much better place.