A Christmas Card from Catherinette

12 Dec

The season is upon us!  That time of year when we receive pictures of our friends with their children, each card carrying a message like, “Wishing you the best this holiday season” or “May your holiday wishes come true.”  Gag.  It’s the time of year when you walk into a friend’s house and you see the display of all of the cards they’ve received.  The cards representing how popular they are.  Gag.  I have a confession to make: I’m a cold bitch.  I don’t have such displays in my house.  Yes, I’m popular, and I get the cards, but I display them in a different place – the garbage can.  As soon as I’ve looked at the picture, read the message, those bad boys go straight to the trash.  I know, I know, yet another reason I’ll get coal in my stocking.  Whatever.

There is one thing I do get a kick out of, when my friends include those awkward holiday letters in the envelope.  God, I love those.  Talk about awkward!  Either it’s someone bragging about how amazing her year was; bitching about how much it sucked; offering mundane details; or so full of spelling errors I want to whip out a red pen, circle all the offenses, and send it right back.  I’ve often toyed with sending a christmas card to my friends.  A picture of me on Santa’s lap along with a card summarizing my year.  But when it occurs to me the cost of stamps would be the equivalent to the cost of a cocktail, I change my mind.

BUT, I’ve decided to go ahead and give it a shot anyway.  So, my kind readers, here’s my Christmas letter to you.

Dear Friend,

Ho ho ho, bitch/pimp!  Here we are are at the end of 2011, and what a year it’s been!  So many wonderful things, so many awful things, and so many drinks!  I hope your year has been as exciting as mine, and I hope this holiday season brings you all the joys and merriment you could hope for.  Let me share some of the highlights from 2011.

January brought quite a bit of awful weather!  I even had to shovel part of the driveway in January when I was still living with Depeche Mode and Boom Boom.  Off they went to Vegas and left me to deal with the snow.  Bummer!  But I dug out and made it to work okay, so that was great.  Thankfully I had my North Face coat and gloves to keep me warm.

In February I moved into my own place near Philly!  It’s the Bachelorette pad, y’all!  Super location, awfully cute house, and it’s now fully decorated.  The only thing missing is a man.  Yeah, I know, I’m sure you’re shocked to hear I’m still single.  My mom pressured me all year to just settle down with someone because my time was running out to have a baby.  I still have faith that my man is out there!  If you stumble across Prince Charming, send him my way.  LOL.

The night before Father’s Day my brother-in-law had a heart attack and almost died.  It was super scary.  I watched Lucy(fer) and Damien for a week and almost killed them.  It sucked.  Thankfully, my bro-in-law is on the mend and the kids are back at home.  The worst part of all of this is that my brother-in-law can’t have bacon anymore.  Really awful.  I don’t know how he’ll be able to make it without bacon.  Or salt for that matter.  Low sodium diets are really hard to follow.

Had a great summer vacation in Martha’s Vineyard this summer!  Drove the Land Rover all over the island and even went off roading.  That car is AMAZING!  We even found a use for the built in refrigerator in the center console: to carry my champagne.  The summer house we rented was beautiful, and very close to the beach.  We sent the kids to a very expensive camp, and enjoyed our time filled with sun AND fun.

My job has been amazing, and I’ve gotten a huge raise, and a promotion.  I’m even getting a corner office in January!  Life is amazing, and I’m popular and people totally love me.

The only thing missing is someone special to share it with.  When I’m home alone at night, after the sobbing has subsided and I’m through feeling sorry for myself, I think about getting a pet.  I think 2012 will see the addition of a Himalayan cat to the Singleton abode.  Mr. Tinkles and I are going to have a great 2012!

Wishing you the very best this holiday season, and a wonderful New Year!


9 Responses to “A Christmas Card from Catherinette”

  1. AmyBlam December 12, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

    I always enjoy the really perky letters that rhyme. Amazed some people can brag so much while rhyming!

  2. maria December 13, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    Loved It =)

  3. AmericanBridget December 13, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    Holy shiz balls, that letter was fantastic! Can I steal your idea and do something similar on my blog? Please oh pretty please? And of course, I’ll give you all the credit in the world. Freaking fantastic!!!!

    • Catherinette December 13, 2011 at 11:53 am #

      Steal away, my dear! -CS

  4. Beli December 13, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    Loved it! And right after I read this I got a card from a co-worker with their family pic..haha…And like you I am also waiting on my Prince Charming and won’t settle..so if I find two, I will send one your way =)

    Merry Christmas!

  5. hamster December 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    Oh Catherinette, how I love you. And Mr. Tinkles will be the luckiest cat in the world! Merry Christmas!

  6. Sans The Pimp Le petomane. December 13, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    Have a very merry Christmas Catherinette.

  7. chardonnay December 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    I’ve often toyed with sending a christmas card to my friends. A picture of me on Santa’s lap along with a card summarizing my year. But when it occurs to me the cost of stamps would be the equivalent to the cost of a cocktail, I change my mind!!! LOVE THAT!!!

  8. Mmatk January 6, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Oh Cathrinette– you are a younger version of me! But– I do worry that your millions of readers will now not send out the Holiday Newsletter. Why do I worry???– well let me tell you… we mock the hell out of those letters at work. Yes we do copy them and take a red pen to them– like a seek and find –to see who can come up with the most things circled on a page. We have a competition to see which one makes the hall of fame. We also share our fantasies about response letters, photos and how we would communicate our desire to “unsubscribe”. Please let them continue– or we will have to do actual work..

    Wishing you a blessed and snarky 2012!!!

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