Archive | December, 2011

I Resolve to be Less of a Stupid Whore in 2012

31 Dec

Yesterday, while being all fancy and shit in Pastis in New York City, I overheard a conversation two young women were having. Pastis is the type of place that is so crowded with tables that you can’t help overhear what’s going on next to you. Especially since you’re practically sitting on the laps of the people at the next table. It’s a great place! Unless you have to squeeze between two tables to get to the booth – I was sure my fat ass was going to knock over someone’s water glass.

But I digress.

So these two trendy 20-somethings, with their workout clothes, and purposely messy ponytails were talking about dating. The blond slut was telling the brunette slut about how she had knocked boots with this dude AGAIN! This was the fourth time they had gotten together. The first time was in the bathroom at a party, the second time was at his place, the third was in the back of his car, and the latest time was at her house. Klassy rich girls. Blond girl wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but she was okay with where they were. That’s when brunette slut asked, “is he still with his girlfriend?”

Then I nearly choked on my water.

Blond slut said, “oh yeah, they’re still together. He was telling me that he’s thinking about asking her to marry him. He’s not quite ready yet, but he thinks it’ll go there.”

I stared straight ahead and forced myself not to turn and stare at them.

Brunette slut said she didn’t care that he had a girlfriend, and that she would totally do the same thing. She said she had no moral obligations to a dude’s girlfriend. They then talked about how one of them had been cheated on before, and how weird it was that they were on the other side now. This is right around the time I wanted to hit them both.

Then THEN THEN! Then the blond slut said she thought she was starting to develop feelings for him. Let me remind you she’s developing feelings (not of rage or nausea) for a dude she fucked in the bathroom who has a girlfriend. “You know what I really like about him? I like how honest he is.” She actually said that. Um, yeah, he’s not honest. He’s fucking someone behind his girlfriend’s back, that’s what I like to call “lying” and “deceitful” and “shitty”. She knew she had to stop sleeping with him, so her plan is to start dating one of his friends so she can still see him from time to time.

Why? Why on God’s green earth are women so stupid? WHY?

Look, I’ll be honest here – I’ve hooked up with dudes who have other girlfriends. I’ve thought things like the blond and brunette slut. But not in a long time. I don’t believe that a guy who cheats on his girlfriend is honest. I don’t believe he’s a good person. He’s an asshole. If he was anything other than a selfish prick he would either not cheat, or break up with the girlfriend. We delude ourselves into thinking this guy is meant to be ours when he’s with someone else, or that the girlfriend is a bitch, or that what we’re doing is okay. We’re just putting ourselves in a situation where we’re going to end up getting hurt AND feeling like a total fucking asshole to boot.

I say fuck that. Fuck it right in the pooper.

No thanks. Look, go out there and whore your life away in 2012. Go forth and suck all the dicks you could possibly want to suck. Just do yourself a favor before you do it, make sure someone else isn’t sucking that dick too.

Happy New Year!

I’d Rather Have an Old Dog

29 Dec

Over drinks last night, my sister, a friend of ours and I started talking about men.  Shocking.  I know.  I’ll have you know we did talk about other things too…like shoes, and shopping, and purses, and glitter, and Tiffany’s, and other things chicks tend to talk about before the topic turns to men.  And it occurred to us that just like none of us have time for a puppy right now, we don’t have time to train a man.

Sure, sure, the puppies are all cute when you first get them home.  They snuggle up to you with their little noses, and you spend your time thinking, “he’s so adorable!”  You pet him, and whisper to him how cute he is, and how you’re going to take care of him.  And he paws you and looks at you with those puppy dog eyes.  Then all hell breaks loose.  He’s peeing on the floor, eating your shoes, jumping all over the furniture, waking you up in the middle of the night, and he won’t stop barking.

Fuck that noise.  Fuck every last musical note.

As young women, we have the same draw towards a man.  They’re all cute and cuddly and can do no wrong.  And if they do, we inevitably forgive them – because they still need to learn – and we go right back to (heavy) petting them.  But peeing on the floor and chewing on shoes is easier to handle than some of the stuff we put up with.  Their late night drunkeness.  Clothes all over the floor.  Dishes left anywhere and everywhere.  Not returning phone calls.  Never doing the laundry.  Dropping the towels on the floor and believing the towel fairy will magically bring them a clean set the next day.  Why do we do it?  We do it for love, and because they’re cute, and because we need them to take out the garbage.  That’s what we tell ourselves.  The truth is we allow that behavior because we’re stupid and we’re young.

The older I get, the picker I get.  I don’t have time for someone who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.  Or who can’t be bothered to take his dishes to the sink.  Or who thinks it’s okay to spend the day in his sweatpants yelling at the TV while I clean the house and make dinner.  Or who never folds the laundry and then gets angry when his pants are wrinkled and asked me to iron them.  Or whose idea of helping around the house means moving his discarded shoes from one side of the room to the other.

I want a dog who is housebroken, who isn’t going to jump all over me or anyone else who walks in the door, who doesn’t bark at all god damned hours of the night, who can be walked off leash, and who can sleep through the god damned night.  I’ll even give him extra treats and let him sit on the couch.

I expect the same thing out of a man.

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 5

22 Dec

Okay, folks, we’ve reached the final installment in the story of my uncle’s douche baggery.  Yes, there are others I can share with you, but I think this one really sums up his existence. In this final installment there’s no bigamy, incest, cheating, etc.  Instead, we focus on his cruelty and lack of kindness (which are pretty much the same because you can’t be cruel if you’re kind.  Even though that song says you have to cruel to be kind in the right measure.  That’s a load of bullshit.).

Okay, so my uncle just told his grandson he basically hated and never wanted to talk to him again.  Victim #1 tells him she can’t talk to him anymore because he’s an asshole.  About a month later they make up and they become friends again.  And by friends I mean he’s still a dick to her and she goes ahead and takes care of him.

Recently, we found out some sad news.  She is in the advanced stages of colon cancer, and her chances of recovering are very slim.  The family is preparing for the worst, and in his typical fashion, my uncle is being a douche bag.  Seriously, this is the most awful thing I have ever heard.

Sunday my mom got a call from my cool cousin.  Victim #1 was rushed to the hospital, and she wasn’t doing very well.  She was having difficulty breathing, and there were problems with her lungs.  Not good stuff.  Not at all.  She then proceeds to tell my mom my uncle showed up to the hospital.  But instead of offering any kind of support he did the following…

He told Victim #1 that she needed to know that he had never loved her – not even when they were married, and that she had meant nothing to him.  Then, he turned to his daughter and said that since what he had had with Victim #1 meant nothing to him, that he had never really thought of her as his daughter and never would.  He told them it was important for them to understand that he didn’t love them, and never had.  He was completely stunned when they asked him to leave the room.  After all, what he had told them was for their own good.

Can you fucking believe that??  This woman is literally on her deathbed and he waltzes is and announces that she means nothing to him.  Have you ever heard anything so cruel in your entire life??

My mom talked to him this morning and told him she thought what he had done was wrong.  He, of course, thinks she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and that it’s just her opinion.  She told him that it wasn’t just an opinion, that what he had done was cruel and heartless, and he was very cold.  AND that anyone would think that.  He just brushed it off.

Who the hell does he think he is?  More importantly, what on earth would possess him to believe that saying anything like to someone was okay – much less to someone who is DYING?

It makes me so sad for Victim #1, and my cool cousin, and my mom.  How sad and heartbreaking to care for someone who is truly heartless.  Someone who is your family but has no regard for another human being.  That must be very painful.  And still my mom feels a sense of obligation towards him.

Now get this: he actually called Victim #1 in the hospital the other day to ask her when she was being sent home.  Not that he cares about his health.  Oh no.  It’s because he has a pile of laundry to do and he doesn’t know how to work the laundry machine.  And that my friends, is the epitome of douche baggery.

Fuck him.  I hope he gets hemorrhoids and shits himself and no one finds him for days.

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 4

21 Dec

After 18 years of being together, whore bag announces one day that she’s leaving him because she’d liked to date men her own age.  Guessing that years of hanging out with my uncle, the grandpa, and waiting on him hand and foot just wore her down.  So she left.  She just walked out and left him with nothing.  Over the years, she had convinced him to write full time, and told him she would take care of him.  The money coming in was hers.  He had nothing.  Literally, nothing.  Everything was paid for by credit cards, and he had no income.  My mother and the youngest cousin had to step in to help him.

Not long after she left he had an accident and ended up in the hospital.  For a time it looked like he wasn’t going to make it.  My mom flew down to Mexico to be by his side.  The only other people who were there were Victim #1, and her daughter.  My other cousins couldn’t be bothered.  They were too busy dining out with friends, or having manicures.  No lie.  One time my middle cousin showed up and actually had her manicurist join them in the room so she could get her nails done.  After he had been in the hospital for over a week, the youngest cousin finally showed up.  He was appalled by everything going on, and the fact that his older sisters weren’t going to help support him financially.  He actually stopped talking to them for almost a year.

When my uncle finally got out of the hospital, it was Victim #1 who nursed him back to health.  For whatever reason, she’s been in love with him all this time.  Out of the kindness of her heart, she would cook for him, do his laundry, clean his house – because he had no one else.  Not even a thank you from him.  Not one word of gratitude.  Instead he bitches to my mom about how ugly she is and how he doesn’t want to spend time with her.

Really?  Fucking REALLY?

About seven months ago he was over at Victim #1’s house for dinner.  Their daughter was there, and her 17 year old son was there as well.  The 17 year old made some comment to my uncle about how he doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does.  My uncle put down his fork and told him he was a stupid boy who knew nothing.  He went on to say he was worthless and would never make anything of himself and he didn’t love him.  The 17 year old got upset and left the table.  My uncle picked up his fork and began eating, then told Victim #1 and the daughter that the next time he came over, he didn’t want the 17 year old there.  They were stunned into silence.

When my mother heard the story, she told him he shouldn’t have said that and he was being a dick.  He told my mother she didn’t know what she was talking about, and it was his responsibility to tell the 17 year old he had no future because he was stupid.  He truly believed he had done the right thing.

It’s no wonder that at 70-something he has no one.

But wait, that’s not all!  Wait to see what he says to someone on her deathbed!

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 3

20 Dec

So my aunt decides that she’s finally had it with my uncle when she finds out he’s been having a long standing affair with one of his own relatives.  A young relative.  My uncle’s father was her grandmother’s brother.  In other words, she was his cousin’s daughter.  While it’s true he wasn’t raised with that side of the family, it’s still fucking disgusting.  Even worse?  They both knew it and they didn’t care.  She had known exactly who he was when she began pursuing  him.  She knew they were related, she knew he was married, she knew he had a family, but she didn’t care.

My aunt and my cousins were devastated when all of this came out.  My aunt acted out by dating the seediest men in Mexico.  My oldest cousin took it out by starving herself.  My middle cousin started trying to reconstruct herself with plastic surgery.  And the youngest one got out of dodge and moved to New York.  Family number three completely destroyed.

Did my uncle care?  Nope.  Of course not.  No consequences.

His relationship with the whore bag was out in public and he paraded her around like a hot trophy.  Which she was not.  She was certainly younger than him, but she was Wal-mart where my aunt had been Neiman Marcus.  My uncle began writing books with the whore bag’s encouragement.  Here’s the thing, my uncle likes to pretend he knows everything about everything, he actually believes it.  He decided to write a book about women, because he knew everything there was to know about women.  He wrote a book on mental health, because he felt like he knew a lot about it.  My mother is a well respected head shrink, she knows her stuff.  My uncle used to try to have intelligent conversations with her about psychiatry, but he didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.  Still, he went ahead and wrote the books.  And they were published.  And this is why Mexico is still a third world country.

Whatever.  He’s stupid.  Within a few years of his moving in with whore bag, his first daughter (Victim #1’s daughter) contacted him.  She had always been curious about him, and decided to try to start a relationship with him.  I met her when I was about 22 and she is cool as shit.  The best thing that ever happened to her is that he left when he did.  She’s lucky she wasn’t raised by him.  She’s smart, she’s interesting, she’s caring, she’s funny.  Everything my other cousins are not.

She really tried to establish a connection with him, and he’s been somewhat distant.  Mainly because he’s a dick.  Over the years, he reestablished a connection with Victim #1 as well.

He’s lucky he did because Victim #1 was the one that took care of him when Whore Bag left him.

Stay tuned to find out what happens when a 40-something whore bag leaves a 70-year old douche bag penniless and broken!

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 2

19 Dec

When we last off, my uncle had just gotten out of jail and had met my aunt.  At 27, lord only knows where he found a 16 year old willing to date him.  She was a beautiful girl, and I can’t imagine what on God’s green earth she saw in my uncle.  Then again, we’ve all made mistakes and found ourselves dating giant assholes.  Sadly for her, she became Victim #3 in a parade of women.  She didn’t care that he had been married, or that he had been a bigomist, or that he had two children (he had a child with victim #2) whom he had never met.  She was in love.  And she was fucking retarded.  God would I love to be able to travel back in time and slap the stupid out of her, or at least try to talk sense into her parents.  Why would they let a teenager marry someone 11 years older than she was?  What the hell kind of parents were they?

Anyway, whatever.  For a time, they lived really well.  She’s a well known artist in Mexico, and he became a well known urosurgeon in Mexico.  They found themselves surrounded by like minds, and were considered first class citizens.  Visiting their house as a child I remember being in awe at the size of the house, and all of the waitstaff.  They had more money than they knew what to do with.  They had three children, two girls, and a boy (the youngest).  After about 20 years of marriage, they decided it was time to build a house…a six story house on the side of a mountain.  This house is easily the most incredible house I’ve ever seen.  Eight bedrooms, a servants quarters, a library, an art studio, offices, tennis courts, etc.  And all of the rooms have an amazing view of Mexico City. Unbelievable house.  They threw crazy insane parties and ran in circles with celebrities and politicians.  At one point it was even rumored my aunt was having a fling with the president’s father.

It all looked nice and happy from the outside.  But the relationships in the house were a hot mess.  My uncle cheated on my aunt all the time.  All the time.  Why she stayed with him I’ll never understand.  He fathered about eight children while he was married to my aunt, and she tolerated it.  Sure, there were fights.  Crazy fights.  My aunt caught my uncle with one of his nurses one time.  So she went ahead and threatened them at gunpoint.  How he talked himself out of that, I’ll never understand.  A few years later, when my aunt found out he was having another affair, she chased him through the house with a knife – in front of the kids.  My cousin, who was 11 at the time, had to knock her down and take the knife away from her.

That marriage, that house was a fucking nightmare.

Looking back there was always weird shit going on.  I remember the fights my aunt would have with my oldest cousin.  Fights like I’ve never heard.  They would break shit, my aunt would slap my cousin across the mouth and tell her she hated her.  Stuff I’ve never seen – except for on a Lifetime movie.  Whatevs, they were crazy.  And crazy rich.  Which is part of the reason they looked down on us.  It didn’t matter that my sister and I were being raised by two doctors, went to private schools, each got cars on our 16 birthdays, etc.  We weren’t connected with famous people and just weren’t like they were.  In their eyes, we weren’t the same.  Recently a book came out about drug trafficking in Mexico.  My aunt is named in the book as someone who helped launder money for the drug cartels.  It makes sense and explains a lot of the money they had and the people they surrounded themselves with.  My mother asked my uncle about it, and he said, “You don’t need to trouble yourself with that.”  It sickens me to know that I was probably in the house with some of those people.  They are disgusting human beings.

But anyway…

Twenty plus years of married, three legitimate children, eight illegitimate children, lord knows how many affairs, two beautiful houses, fights at gun and knife point, and my aunt finally decides to call it quits.  The straw that broke the camel’s back?  When my aunt found out he had been having an affair with a woman who was one year younger than their oldest daughter.  He had set her up in an apartment, he would take her on trips, and (get ready) they were related.

Stay tuned to find out if you can marry your family members in Mexico!

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Face of the Planet: Part 1

18 Dec

Never in my life have I met a bigger douche bag than my uncle.  He is, by far, the most horrible person on the planet.  For really reals.  I’m not even exaggerating a little bit.  For as long as I can remember, I thought he was a dick – even before I knew what it meant to be a dick.  Picture me as a 3 year old, hair in pig tails, surrounded by dolls, and my uncle comes over to tell me that I’m almost as cute as his daughters.  And I just smiled, dimples and all, and thought, “Wow.  What a fucking dick.”  It happened.

This morning my mom called me to tell me what he did – the ultimate dick move, but before I tell you what he did, let me back this train up so we can work up to the pinnacle of his douche-ness.  This story has all the good stuff: cheating, bigamy, incest, more cheating, illegitimate children, and a wake of broken women.

My grandmother was 16 when she had him – she was a single mother.  When she was 15 she fell in love with a doctor, and they were married, or so she thought.  A friend of his officiated.  Two weeks later, her mother went to her house to break the news – her new groom was married to another woman.  Heartbroken, she left and moved back in with her parents.  She was pregnant with my uncle.  My uncle is 9 years older than my mother, and he was the apple of my grandmother’s eye.  He could do no wrong, and as far as she was concerned, he was the messiah.  He was the first to go to college, and ended up in med school.

As a medical student, he met the woman who would become his first wife.  We’ll call her Victim #1.  After a brief courtship, they married.  She was completely in love with him, and tolerated it when he cheated on her.  After all, when they had met he had been in another relationship.  When she became pregnant with his first child (so far as he knew), he promptly left her.  Just walked out.

Shortly after leaving here, he began dating Victim #2.  After a brief courtship, she ended up with child, so he decided to marry her.  Well, you can imagine Victim #1’s surprise when she found he had gone off and married Victim #2, especially since he hadn’t bothered to divorce her first.  That’s right, my friends, my uncle is a bigamist.  Just as any shunned woman would do, Victim #1 took action and reported him to the cops.  He was arrested, and ended up in jail.  My grandmother swallowed her pride, tracked down his father, and begged him to help get him released from jail.  Mind you, my uncle’s father had never met my uncle and my grandmother hadn’t seen him since she had left him at 15.  After a few days in jail, he walked away.  Victim #1 granted him a divorce, and victim #2 annulled the marriage.

Did he care that he had hurt anyone?  No.  He was just happy to be free.

Then he met my aunt.  He was 26.  She was 16.

Stay tuned to part 2!  There are knife chases, more cheating, and incest!

My Pee-filled Adventures with the Pie Girl

17 Dec

Ah. New York City. Times are shitty. But I’m pretty sure they can’t get worse. It’s a comfort to know when you’re singing the hit the road blues that anywhere you could possibly go after New York would be a pleasure cruise.

No. Wait. Sorry. Those are lyrics from the musical Rent. Sorry, my bad.

Where was I? Right. New York. Good times! There’s something to be said about the adventures that two single ladies can have in the Big Apple. Some end up finding the men of their dreams. Others end up having their handbags stolen. Some end up roofied and wondering why they wake up with their panties down around their ankles, their eyebrows shaved off, and a tattoo of Tone Loc on their right hip. Our adventures, were nothing like this.

As fate would have it the lovely WV Pie Girl (Sarah, but I’m not referring to her by her real name because what fun would that be?) end up in NYC on Friday night. PG (for Pie Girl and much more exciting than Sarah, and funny because she’s actually rated R, not PG) and I have been Twitter besties for a long time now. We were both wicked super psyched to FINALLY have the chance to get together and do what we do best: get drunk and mock people. People, it was everything I imagined and so much more. The only thing that sucked about the night was that we didn’t have enough time together to mock the 50+ year old woman in her sparkly gown and her frumpy ass hair. Oh. And the fact that it took over an hour to get our food so they had to pack it because I had to catch the train. Bonus? Free round of drinks. Oh. But then PG left her food in the cab. BUT she did steal the pepper shaker from the table so she can add that to the collection.

Oh. And I dropped my phone in the toilet…after I had peed and then I had to stick my hand in the pee water to get my phone. But it still works. And I’m pretending that it’s totally clean now because as PG put it, “pee is sterile.”

Hopefully next time we get together we’ll have more time, more drinks, and less pee covered phones. On the bright side, it certainly makes for a memorable time! After all, how often can you say that your first time getting together with a friend involves stealing Tom Colicchio’s pepper shakers and a golden shower for your phone…