Sleeping with the Enemy

3 Nov

One of the nice things about being single is never being woken up in the middle of the night by someone snoring, hogging the bed or blankets, talking in his sleep, or hitting.  Yeah, I just said hitting.  I’ve been fortunate enough to never have slept (actual sleeping) with anyone other than someone who snored.  There were times when I considered covering his nose and mouth with duct tape, but instead I opted for a sharp elbow to the ribs along with a “YOU’RE SNORING!” yelled sweetly into an ear.  Rather effective.  It never got bad enough where someone had to leave the room – thank God!

I had a girlfriend who had it even worse.  Her husband suffered from night terrors.  For those of you that don’t know what they are, imagine being awake during a nightmare.  He would have horrible dreams and would jump out of bed, yell, etc. and appear as he was awake.  One time he dreamed his wife was covered in snakes so he immediately tried knocking them off of her – she woke up to him hitting her.  Not fun, for her, but totally amusing for me.

Yesterday a friend of mine, a newly wed, told me he freaked the fuck out on his new bride.  His wife woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water.  She leaned over to him because he was making some noises and he suddenly whispered, “Everything I touch dies.”  Of course that freaked her out, so she immediately left the room.  A little while later she came back and crawled into bed.  As soon as she was settled back under the covers, he turned towards her and said, “don’t move.”  Needless to say she didn’t get much sleep for the rest of the night.

Feel bad for those guys…and I’ll think of them when I tuck myself into the middle of my bed, hogging covers and pillows and drift off to sleep with no one to disturb my slumber.

10 Responses to “Sleeping with the Enemy”

  1. Jane Moneypenny November 3, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

    I have the SAME problem. I’m an incredibly light sleeper, and 99% of the time, the guy snores. Like you, being single has made me very spoiled. I try the shove on the side thing, but usually the guy is wasted and dead weight, so I’ve taken to punching hard and then pretending to sleep when he jolts awake.

    I wonder if this will be a deal breaker for me in the future…

    • Catherinette November 3, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

      This is exactly why I refuse to do a slumber party with a one night stand. F that noise. He can get dressed and get out. -CS

  2. Pkitass November 3, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    I laughed so hard I just pee’d in my pant a little

  3. Lauren November 4, 2011 at 3:23 am #

    My husband snores like a bear.
    When we first started dating I would actually get up and go and sleep in the lounge just so that I could get a bit of sleep… 10 years later, I struggle to fall asleep if I don’t hear him snoring… weird!

    I totally LOLed at the image of your friends guy hitting imaginary snakes off of her body!

  4. Melaka November 4, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    My husband does it all! He sleep walks, sleep cooks, sleep eats, jumps off the bed in a the middle of a dream, sleep talks and even sometimes hits. But the worst time was when he actually got out of the house and was determined to walk to the golf course buck naked! It wasn’t pretty waking him up in the middle of the road, so next time I’ll let him be on his merry way 🙂

  5. Mizkay November 4, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    Hahaha it seems like many if not most guys have weird sleep activities! Besides the typical snorers, my last guy was actually pretty cute. I remember one time we were asleep with him as the big spoon, me the little one, and he said–clear as day albeit a bit mumbled–“Watch out, behind the church!” And he wrapped his arms tighter around me. He’s a big gamer so it probably had something to do with a shooter-induced dream, but it felt nice that he was trying to protect someone.

  6. Melanie November 4, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    My ex husband had night terrors from PTSD. Not fun at all. To say the very least. It’s terrifying.

    I hate snoring too. This is why I sleep alone.

  7. me November 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    Nothing like a good kidney punch to keep them on their best behavior.

  8. Erica November 7, 2011 at 11:30 am #

    I swear to Christ the end had me crying laughing.

  9. wigglewigglewiggle_YEAH March 13, 2012 at 4:35 am #

    Ahhhh…..I needed that laugh. Ctfu. By the way mam. Stay single….at least for the next 2 years while I finish school. Please….I need this lol 🙂 amazing blog!

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