It’s Times Like This I Need a Man

25 Oct

For the most part, it’s rare that I wish I had a man.  Sure their are the odd occasions, like when I’m looking to get laid, or I need to move something that’s heavy, or when the garbage needs to be taken out, or the car needs an oil change, or I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning.  Other than that, I’m pretty much good.  Or so I thought until I encountered the biggest, scariest spider EVER…in my basement.

I am not exaggerating here when I tell you this was the godzilla of all spiders.

The bastard was hanging out in my basement when I went to take my laundry down there.  I gingerly stepped around it for fear of making it angry.  Dropped my clothes off, and then hopped over two steps to avoid getting too close to it.  I was going to just leave it there, but then my mind started wandering.  What if the spider crawled into the laundry basket?  Or what if it crawled up the wall, into the kitchen and then got into one of the cabinets and then when I opened it the spider jumped out at me?  Or what if it got all the way upstairs and then climb into my bed and crawl into my open mouth while I slept?  Oh no, not that.  Only one thing to do, kill it.

I spent the next 10 minutes mustering up the nerves to take care of it.

I put on my new boots, tucked my pants into them so the spider couldn’t jump on my pants (as if it would), and stomped down the stairs.  Damn thing had moved to the wall and there was no way I was going to be able to get the angle to kick the thing to death.  Failure.  I stomped back up the stairs to devise a new plan.  I considered throwing a brick at it, but was afraid I’d do damage to the wall.  Then I thought about throwing a phone book at it, but who the hell has a phone book these days?  Thankfully, it occurred to me to spray the thing with Raid.

Oh, Raid, how I love you and your delicious fruity scent.

I snuck down the stairs and went back after the stupid spider – which was now on the floor again.  As soon as I started spraying it the damn thing started running away.  It was angry!  I had this sudden image that it was going to jump on me and kill me, but I just kept spraying (and screaming like a 5 year old girl).  After a steady minute of spraying it, it finally died.

I’m the man.  I am the fucking man!

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18 Responses to “It’s Times Like This I Need a Man”

  1. Gypsy Wanderlust Revival October 25, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    I shall drink a shot of pure grain alcohol in your manly honor tonight…good job.

    • Catherinette October 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

      Make sure you follow it up with a giant belch! -CS

  2. Hannah October 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    Go you!!! Who needs f#$%ing men anyway (says the chick that finally kicked her selfish ex to the curb).

    Just for the record I am terrified of spiders too, and lately my basement apartment seems to have become a haven for massive ‘roaches from the surrounding bushland now the wet season has arrived. I HATE them but my old pair of wedge heels are getting a good workout.

    • Catherinette October 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      You need to get yourself some Raid, woman. You’ll be happy you did!! And maybe some ice cream, or cake. Sweets make it all better. -CS

  3. Ruby Wildflower October 25, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

    OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU KILLED IT!
    a) toughen up.
    b) you can’t just kill something because you’re afraid of it.
    c) you’re quite adorable.

    • Catherinette October 26, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

      I can totally kill it if I want to!! I can’t let it attack me in the night!! -CS

  4. Mizkay October 25, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

    Awesome. I’m the same way with bugs but I learned long ago that men can be quite useless with them too. My mom was always the bad-ass with the fly swatter, not my dad.

    Now that I live alone, I can certainly kill them. But… what to do with their disfigured, disgustingly twisted dead carcasses now?! I don’t have a vacuum! If they’re big like spiders or roaches and I can see their little legs twitching as I scoot them outside or to the trash, I just want to die myself!

  5. Katrina October 26, 2011 at 6:59 am #

    Sounds like you may have drowned it in Raid!!! My weapon of choice here in Australia too!

    • Catherinette October 26, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

      Raid is the best in the whole wide world! -CS

  6. Sarah October 26, 2011 at 8:43 am #

    I absolutely fucking love you.

    • Catherinette October 26, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

      If only you were a hot single dude who was good in bed and lived nearby. -CS

  7. Unblinking I October 26, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    I have a man, but I still see this exact scenario going down at Casa de Blinky.

    Add RAID to my shopping list – check.

    • Catherinette October 26, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

      Apparently you can use hairspray and/or windex too. Add them to your list! -CS

  8. Hookdntx October 26, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    I am the bug killer extrodonaire, though I have been known to catch and release crickets and spiders outside of my apartment. Spiders especially since they kill other creepy crawlies that may be lying in wait.

    • Catherinette October 26, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

      I do have a respect for most living things, but not for this spider! It was the scariest thing in the WORLD! -CS

  9. DontBmistaken October 26, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    You’ve got balls sister!

  10. weid0089 October 31, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

    I have a man, but he is scared of spiders more than I am. Lose, lose 😦 Good work, terminator!

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