Archive | October, 2011

Hot like Spicy Salsa

26 Oct

People of the blogosphere, I have an exciting announcement to make: my hot secret boyfriend (so secret he doesn’t even know about it) bought me a jar of salsa last week.  You know what this means, right?  It means he fucking WANTS me!  Yeah, yeah he’s about 10 years younger than I am.  And he’s newly married.  But whatever, he totally wants me.  I can tell by the way he handed me his credit card last week when we were playing hooky from work.  It was so romantic.  Sure he had run off because his wife had asked him to pick up some chicken fingers, but let’s just not focus on that.

Last night he was in my dream.  We ended up in a car accident, but the important thing is that as soon as the car crashed and he realized we were both okay, he reached forward, grabbed the back of my head and kissed me.  Romantic.  I know.  Fuck the rest of the dream, who cares what happened.

Tomorrow my imaginary relationship continues with our third fake date.  We’re having lunch together, at Five Guys.  Romantic, I know.  Too damn bad that I suddenly broke out and have the biggest pimple on the face of my earth on my chin.  Now I have to figure out how to keep turning my face so he doesn’t see it.

Note to self: don’t let him sit on your right…

It’s Times Like This I Need a Man

25 Oct

For the most part, it’s rare that I wish I had a man.  Sure their are the odd occasions, like when I’m looking to get laid, or I need to move something that’s heavy, or when the garbage needs to be taken out, or the car needs an oil change, or I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning.  Other than that, I’m pretty much good.  Or so I thought until I encountered the biggest, scariest spider EVER…in my basement.

I am not exaggerating here when I tell you this was the godzilla of all spiders.

The bastard was hanging out in my basement when I went to take my laundry down there.  I gingerly stepped around it for fear of making it angry.  Dropped my clothes off, and then hopped over two steps to avoid getting too close to it.  I was going to just leave it there, but then my mind started wandering.  What if the spider crawled into the laundry basket?  Or what if it crawled up the wall, into the kitchen and then got into one of the cabinets and then when I opened it the spider jumped out at me?  Or what if it got all the way upstairs and then climb into my bed and crawl into my open mouth while I slept?  Oh no, not that.  Only one thing to do, kill it.

I spent the next 10 minutes mustering up the nerves to take care of it.

I put on my new boots, tucked my pants into them so the spider couldn’t jump on my pants (as if it would), and stomped down the stairs.  Damn thing had moved to the wall and there was no way I was going to be able to get the angle to kick the thing to death.  Failure.  I stomped back up the stairs to devise a new plan.  I considered throwing a brick at it, but was afraid I’d do damage to the wall.  Then I thought about throwing a phone book at it, but who the hell has a phone book these days?  Thankfully, it occurred to me to spray the thing with Raid.

Oh, Raid, how I love you and your delicious fruity scent.

I snuck down the stairs and went back after the stupid spider – which was now on the floor again.  As soon as I started spraying it the damn thing started running away.  It was angry!  I had this sudden image that it was going to jump on me and kill me, but I just kept spraying (and screaming like a 5 year old girl).  After a steady minute of spraying it, it finally died.

I’m the man.  I am the fucking man!