Archive | September, 2011

His Ass is Grass and I’m the Lawn Mower

30 Sep

This is not the time to try to sell a house. Since putting on my house on the market I’ve had about three people walk in. All of them running and screaming from the house. One said it was too small, another that it required too much work, and one was interested. Sadly for that last person it was at a time when there was a giant lake in the basement (thanks, Broken Sump Pump!).

Aside from paying to maintain an empty house, the other pain is having to get someone to pay the lawn. My real estate agent, who’s a very nice guy, recommended a friend of his. His friend is also very nice, but he is the shittiest lawn care guy EVER!! I’ve been paying him for months to keep the grass cut. This is his version of a well maintained lawn:

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Woodland creatures live in here!

The second I pulled into my driveway this morning I called him.  I was nice and pleasant and reminded me that he had said that he would be covering the lawn care for several months INCLUDING fall clean up, and when could I expect him to come out.  All on voicemail, of course.  Is going to to call back?  Probably not.

Am I going to report him to the Better Business Bureau?  You bet!

What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas

28 Sep

…unless what happens is that you sleep with someone who has Herpes and then you end up getting it and bringing it home to your loved ones.  That shit isn’t staying in Vegas.  That’s why you shouldn’t sleep with hookers, or with Jewcy Bits.  You don’t want those sores on your junk.  They’ll be painful, trust me.

Blah blah.

We’ve all heard the crazy sick stories of the stuff people have run into in Vegas.  Well guess what?  You’re going to hear more stories because yours truly is FINALLY going to Vegas.  I know you’re wondering how it’s possible that someone as awesome as myself hasn’t been to Sin City.  Frankly, Lord knows why I haven’t made it there.  That’s all about to change because I’m taking my show on the road and will finally be able to say I’ve walked the strip and seen the fountains and gambled and drank and blah blah snore.  Finally!

Jewcy Bits will be very busy running a marathon while I cheer her on and hit on strangers.  It’s going to be fucking awesome!  I know you’re expecting us to come back with stories of people with whom we’ve hooked up with.  More than likely you’ll be hearing stories of how we made out with our dinner plates and how we store minis out of the hotel fridge.  Yeah, I know, we live awesome lives. It’s true.  Maybe, just maybe, we’ll run into Celine Dion and tell her she needs to eat a sandwich.

Good fucking times, people. Good fucking times.

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27 Sep

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Just the Tip Tuesday (09/27/11)

27 Sep

Know what I love?  When there’s a hot dude on a show.  Know what sucks, when a hot dude gets a new show and his show is canceled.  Poor Jason O’mara always seems to have that kind of luck.

Know what?  I think things might be a little different in Terra Nova this time around.  Sure the show is kind of like a soap opera version of Lost meets Jurassic Park meets Avatar, but who cares.  I think this time he’s figured out how to make it work: by losing his shirt.  Apparently he’s taking lessons from Alex O’Laughlin from Hawaii 5.0.  Smart move, sailor!

He wants me!  Know how I know?  Because he has a cupcake in his hand and dudes who hold cupcakes want me.  It’s true.

27 Sep

I’ve been up since 4:30 this morning.  On purpose.  Why?  Because I have a 6:00 AM meeting.  A meeting I should be on this very second.  Why?  Because people hate me.  But whatever.  You know what’s utterly amazing?  The stupid ID we’re supposed to use for our conference call doesn’t work.

Just fucking kill me right now.  Wrap the phone cord around my neck and kill me.

Online Dating for Toddlers

16 Sep

Ah the joys and pleasures of being single at 37.  What happened to the good old says when one would go out to the bars, meet some cute boy, flirt all night, get hammered, and go home to make some bad decisions?  Then wake up the next morning next to someone you vaguely recognize as you rack your brain trying to remember the dudes name and wondering why you’re asshole is bleeding*.  Man, I miss those days.

Now it’s all online dating and blind dates.  Two things which are equally horrible.  I’ve taken my profile off of most dating websites, but do keep one up on a free website mainly for entertainment purposes.  It’s interesting to see the riff raff I seem to attract – dudes I would never give the time of day to and who don’t bother to read my profile.  Apparently the whole line where I say that I’m only interested in men 34-42 is complete ignored by those under 30 and over 50.

Last night at about 9:30 I got a message from an 18 year old.  An 18 year old.  Again, an 18 year old.  He writes, and I quote, “how u doin beautiful :)” (no punctuation at all).

Seriously, dude?  What part of my profile makes you think I would be remotely interested in an 18 year old.  I take a looky loo at his profile and he talks about his cool digs in his parent’s basement and how he’s looking forward to graduating from High School.

So I decide to respond.

“I’m old enough to be your mother.  Don’t you think it’s way past your bedtime?”

 

 

*Totally for effect, that never happened!  At least not to me.

Some of My Coworkers Are Infected with Stupidity

10 Sep

I went over to a friend’s house for dinner last night.  We work together at Widgets & Co.  She’s an interesting, eccentric woman who has done a lot of things in her life, experienced a lot of loss.  Her husband died in a tragic drowning accident after eight years of marriage, only two years – almost to the day – after their only child was stillborn.  She was a chiropractor for many years, changed her mind and started building airplanes, and then wound up at Widgets & Co.  She believes in holistic medicine, keeps Kosher (because she’s Jewish), and has an animal communicator for her pet.  She’s out there.  A really nice, generous, woman, but strange.

She doesn’t really fit into our corporate culture.  Still, it’s kind of fun to watch her go off on how we’ve all been drinking the punch and our brains are going to be stolen from us.  She amuses me.

At dinner last night she told me about the welcome lunch her team wanted to throw for her when she first started.  Her team is much smaller than mine and she works with a bunch of bitches.  One of them is a genuine bible beater – the kind of woman who will quote bible passages to you during meeting.  If you ever ask her what she did over the weekend, you’re guaranteed to hear how she spent time at church, read her bible, and praised the baby Jesus.  My skin starts burning if I get too close to her.  The other two people are devoid of any personality whatsoever.  In fact, in the 1+ I’ve worked there, I don’t think I’ve seen either of them smile.  Then again, if I had to work so closely to the bible thumper, I wouldn’t smile a lot either.

Anyway, it was up to the three to orchestrate a welcome lunch for my friend.  My Jewish friend who keeps kosher.  You can imagine how appalled when my friend was when she received an invitation for lunch at Heavenly Ham.  On Passover.

To this day Bible Thumper has no idea what she did wrong.