Archive | August, 2011

Protected: The Aftermath

28 Aug

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If I Die I’m Going to be Pissed

27 Aug

Really?  An earthquake and then a hurricane and now tornadoes?  Really?  Great.

I’m home.  Alone and now sitting in my damn closet because my basement is already flooded.

You know what?  This is scary.  Not like kind of funny scary when one can laugh it off, but scary scary like my heart is pounding and I’m on the verge of tears scary.  I can hear the rain and it’s loud and I’m on the verge of panicking.  If the winds pick up anymore I might pee myself.  I don’t remember the last time I was this scared.

I have a flashlight, towel, and water with me.  Just in case.

This seriously fucking sucks.  A lot.

The Top 10 Reasons Today Sucked

24 Aug

10. Woke up to find out there was no hot water in the house.

9. I spilled my coffee all over the kitchen counter just before I walked out of the house.

8.  Some jerk off keyed my car last night.

7.  3D sent me a text message out of the blue

6.  Massive pimple threatening to make an appearance on my chin

5. 10 hour work day

4.  5 hours worth of meetings with Creepy Foot Lover

3.  3 of those hours were spent side by side in my cubicle

2.  Creepy Foot Lover had so much aftershave one I could taste it

And the number 1 reason today sucked

1. There’s no booze in the house.

Just the Tip Tuesday (08/23/11)

23 Aug

What what?  Two JTT’s in a freaking row?  How did that happen?  Let’s not spend a lot of time talking, let’s just focus on this week’s pick, shall we?

Giddy up, cowboy…

Clearly, he wants me.  Even if he tells me and himself he doesn’t.  I can tell by the way his pants are unbuckled.

You know who you are.  Let’s make out.

Protected: My Special Day with Creepy Foot Lover

22 Aug

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An Open Letter to Josh Hutcherson

18 Aug

Dear Josh,

Congrats on getting that big fat role in “Hunger Games”.  Hope it doesn’t suck and it makes you a big star.  Just wanted to send you quick note to let you know in 10 years I’ll totally do you.

You’re too young right now and that would gross me out, but you have some potential.

Call me in 10 years.  Or actually, if you have a hot older brother go ahead and call me now.

Talk to ya!


Swoony McSwoonerton

18 Aug

Oh, Facebook, how you freaking complete me!  Let’s totally make out!

Technically, I should be working.  Mainly because I have a deadline in less than three hours and haven’t bothered to start the project.  Is it wrong to blame a slipped deadline on a sick brother-in-law?  Because I will totally do that.  BUT fuck all that, I have a story to tell!

It’s about the tall glass of water who I totally lusted after my entire college experience: The Italian Robot.  He was so dreamy.  Tall, dark, handsome, a smile which could disarm anyone (including Ghadafi), blue eyes, and devoid of any personality what so ever.  But let’s be honest here, at 21 who the hell cares about personalities.  All I wanted was to see him with his shirt off (breathless above me).  Dude was SMOKING hot!

Senior year we randomly became friends.  I walked up to him at a party and introduced myself to him saying, “I’m sure you don’t know who I am, but I live around the corner from you.”  He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I know exactly who you are,” and said my name.  Had it been a cool thing to do, I would have peed my pants.  From that night on we’d bump into each other all the time.  There was one drunken occasion when I blurted out to him that I had had a crush on him since sophomore year.  His was response was, “Oh you don’t even know!”  Too which, being the clever (and totally drunk) person I am I yelled, “No you don’t know!” and stormed out of the bar.

Slick move.  I know.  I then proceeded to get even more drunk and make out with his roommate at the bar.

A few days later we were at a party together and I asked him to take a picture with me.  He said he’s love to, and as we were posing I told him I was going to tell everyone he had been my college boyfriend.  “In that case,” he said, “let’s get another one because I wasn’t smiling.”  He then gave a stick of gum, and I told him I was going to save half of it and keep it always.  15 years later and I still have that piece of gum in a photo album.

The night before graduation he and his friends all through a big bash.  I decided this was the night I was going to throw myself at him and make my move.  My liquid courage was ready, all I needed was an opening.  Unfortunately, there was this whore faced girl who wouldn’t leave him alone.  Finally, with three hours to go until graduation I left the house – never having had the chance to climb him.  Sad state of affairs.

We lost touch, not surprising since our “friendship” was based on a series of drunken encounters.  Fast forward to today when I was looking through one of my Facebook friend’s recent photo albums.  There in the first picture in all his shirtless glory was The Italian Robot.

Let’s not talk about how his arm was around the waist of that whore face troll who cock blocked me in college.

Further Proof I’m a Dirty Mexican

17 Aug

When I wash my hair I expect it to come out cleaner than when I started.  Lord only knows what the fuck kind of shit they’ve put in the shampoo I used this morning because I stepped out of the shower looking like I hadn’t washed my hair in freaking days.

My hair is a greasy ass mess.  I think I would have gotten it cleaner if I had dumped a bottle of canola oil on my head.  Sure it’s not all frizzy right now, but that can be attributed to the fact that every single strand of my hair is literally sticking to my head in one greasy lump. And to make matters worse, my scalp is peeling from my stupid vacation two weeks ago.  So to sum it up, I have greasy hair covered with little flakes all over it.  It looks like I encountered some snowflakes or something.  Not a good look.

Fuck you, Head and Shoulders for dry scalp.