Rub a Dub Dub: My Thighs Are Full of Blub(ber)

10 Jul

I’m not a big girl by any stretch of the imagination.  Sure, I probably carry about 15-20 more pounds than I need to and I have an extra roll of fat here and there.  But I doubt anyone passing me would stare at me and think I belonged locked in my bedroom surrounded by empty pizza boxes, covered with a dirty bed sheet, just waiting until I had a heart attack and then the paramedics had to cut a hole in the side of the house and transport me by flat bed truck.  I’m not THAT bad!

There is, however, one MAJOR thing I hate about being chubby in the summer time.  I fucking hate it when I wear a dress, and then my thighs begin to sweat and start rubbing up on one another.  Ugh, worst feeling EVER!  Especially when chafing starts happening and then your skin starts to burn.  VERY unpleasant feeling.  AWFUL in fact.  Terrible.  Horrible.  And also, yucky.  Plus then you have to do that whole “I have to unstick my legs from one another so I’m going to take a giant wide step to the right or left” and then you end up waddling down the street.  That’s when you begin to look like you pooped your pants or something.

On days like today there’s only one thing left to do: stay inside where there’s plenty of air conditioning.

There are many times in my life I’m thankful I’m not a dude – and at times like these I give extra thanks.  I can’t imagine how awful it would be to add a sweaty nut sack to the equation.  Fuck that noise right there.  As a chick, it’s strange to think of something down there constantly hanging outside of your body and potentially sticking to your inner thigh.  Add chafing to that and you have an equation that I don’t want to know the answer to.  No thank you, I totally pass.


7 Responses to “Rub a Dub Dub: My Thighs Are Full of Blub(ber)”

  1. Christina July 10, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    Baby powder and/or Monistat chafing gel. Does wonders in this heat. I’m a 14-16 and I never used to wear dresses for just this reason. Now you can’t get me out of skirts.

  2. Catherinette July 10, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    OH! Who knew there was a solution that didn’t involve hitting the gym. HURRAY! -CS

  3. skylersdad July 10, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Being a commando kind of guy, I hate summer heat.

    Perhaps I shared a bit too much there?

  4. Pkitass July 10, 2011 at 4:27 pm #

    Sweaty Hairy ball sacks eewww

  5. Bored Housewife July 11, 2011 at 8:00 am #

    A few years ago I got drunk at a block party and started telling this woman who was new to the neighborhood how my thighs were sticking together and I was trying Vagisil feminine powder between them to see if that would work, etc. etc. and the next morning, I was all, “ugh…..” I have to see her all the time now, and I wonder if she remembers that.
    Here’s a tip, though: powder doesn’t work. The only thing that works is pants. Powder does wonders under the boobs, though.

  6. Tamara July 11, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Bull. The best solution is OIL. I use olive oil as moisturizer all summer and have amazing skin because of it! Throw in a few drops of a scented essential oil like Lavendar or something to make it smell good — then oil up your legs, rub it in, and add a little extra between your thighs. Soft, shiny skin that is also slick. It’s awesome!

  7. planecrazyjosie July 11, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    Bodyglide anti-chafe balm. Sold in running/sporting goods stores. Stays put even through a marathon, and eliminates chub rub (or its aftermath) when even running won’t.

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